2012 - Oroborous

As 2011 came to a close, Yule arrived. with Yule came my preparations for the ritual but something very strange was happening to me.

It started as a little bump. I thought I hit my head on the car door again, but no this welt got bigger over time. Okay, I thought. I've been bit by a freaking spider. The welt covered the right side of my head and then it started draining. It was bloody at first. And then the pain came.

Oh it felt like my head was on fire! I did the same thing for this as I did for my foot some 4 months prior. Lots of aspirin and other over the counter pain medications. They would help for a bit, like 2 hours, and then the pain would return. I couldn't take any more meds for another 4 hours, that is if I liked my liver to remain functional.

I beared this pain for about a week after yule, as I did not want to ruin Christmas. On 27 December I had enough of it and went to the hospital to get looked at. I had hoped all I needed was a lancing, some penicillin derived drug and then sent back to work. Negative.

They admitted me to the emergency room on the spot. Before I knew it they had jammed an I.V. into my vein (that sucker HURT! and made me feel queasy too.) and Was pumping me full of morphine (mmmmm, morphine!). They took a culture and suspected it to be MERSA or some-such thing that resists antibiotics. Well it was just a simple staph infection, but the infection was so bad it was making my blood pressure high. if it wasn't for the fact that we drained the dang thing every night, thanks to Raven. It might have developed into sepsis.

So they start me on IV antibiotics and that morphine and get ready to prep me for surgery. They needed to cut my head open and remove the 'cyst'. Well apparently there were multiple cysts. The diagnosis was cellulitus. That and that dreaded thing which I had suspected but denied for about 10 years...

Diabetes.

Yes my blood sugar was high too. My A1C was over 11 they said. I was to be put on insulin immediately. Great. Now I get to shoot up and get pricked every freaking 4 hours. Yeah, there's a reason you don't sleep in a hospital, they wake you every 4 hours or so for this and that. Check the glucose, check the blood pressure, check the oil and transmission fluid, etc...

Then I had my surgery. This was my first time. They prepped me with a drip to numb me and then they put on the mask. I remember nothing that happened for the next two hours. I wake up groggy as hell and talking weird crap in the recovery room. I remember nothing about the surgrery, not a thing after the anesthesia. Its as if there is a memory block. Very unsettling to someone who even remembers their dreams as they sleep.

I was trained to shoot myself up with insulin, as I would be going home with it. I already knew how to eat. Simple, just go low-carb or no carb. Yep I had to give up sweets, but thankfully my blood pressure was not cause by anything wrong with my heart or high cholesterol. Great I can still eat meat! I'd hate to have to live my life eating rabbit food every day. That would be a death sentence for me.

I got to spend New Years Eve alone in a hospital room. It might have been the drugs (mmm...morphine!) but I swear something changed in me that night. I had a bizarre feeling that I could suddenly sense everything around me! My shields were completely gone. There was a buzzing in my head and a numbness in my soul. But what was very disturbing was the fact that I could no longer feel the animal within. The wolf had detached itself from me!

I was calm and at peace as the ball dropped that night. There was no rage, no fury, no storm. Just a numb feeling. I felt alone. I felt afraid. I was at the edge of a great cliff and not fearing to take the next step over the edge. I had felt something similar before when I 'became the storm'. In that experience I found another piece of myself, In this one all the pieces now separated themselves out. I heard that familiar voice in my mind...

"I am still here. I have never left you, as I am you. The separation was necessary for the body to heal. When the body has been cleansed the spirit which has also been cleansed along with the mind will recombine. That is the way of the Oroborous Serpent. Solve et Coagula."

To anyone else but me, and perhaps those who are learned in the occult, this whole episode would most likely come across as a drug induced fantasy. And indeed it may be. But chemognosis is a legitimate form of gnosis nonetheless. I tend to listen to myself even when I fail to listen to others.

Shortly after midnight, the oroborous transmutation began. I began to feel my mind and spirit rush back into my being. The wolf was back, and with a vengeance! The calmness was still there, and a bit of confusion. But the drive to kick this disease in the arse was very strong. I focused my rage not at myself, as I knew this did not happen by fault of my own, but at the disease itself. I wanted off those damn injections! They were like a cage to me.

So for the next month, Jan 2012, Raven would be away watching mom and dads place while I learned to add my diabetic regimen to my daily life. Check my glucose, take a shot, eat breakfast, then get ready for work where I have to shoot up again before lunch. Fun.  Actually its' not so bad. The shots are from these neat pens that look like a Bones McCoy spray hypo. Sometimes it stings but if I get it right, it doesn't hurt. What's really a prick are those danged lancets for the glucometer.

Anyway, after a month I am healed up in my head and getting used to this diabetes thing. yes I miss real chocolate, but it's something I needed to do for some time and acknowledge the fact that I have a health issue. Oh by the way, my A1C seems to have dropped from that 11 to almost 7 by the end of January. sadly, my finances are going to hell in a hand-basket, but I am working with the county to get my meds.

Feb and March had me dealing with my new lifestyle by myself, as Raven was house-sitting for Mom and Dad while they were out in Arizona visiting my sister and step-brother. I basically learned what made my glucose shoot up and it seemed as if the insulin injections were doing anything. Had the idiot doctor at the hospital not checked to see if I was insulin resistant? I took my blood glucose readings in the morning and right after work to get a fasting reading. Mornings were always high, but afternoons were getting lower. I recorded everything on a spreadsheet and discovered that my trend was indeed going down, very slowly. I found out that the ADA diet does not work for me. 60 grams of carbs per meal? Hell no! I eat my few carbs at breakfast and then minimize them through the day ending with no carbs at night. This seemed to do the trick. I then found out that my previous diet was full of nasty carbs like potatoes, corn and pasta. I had to say good bye to pasta forever for that stuff, even the whole wheat, made my glucose shoot like a rocket. But what really gets my goat is the fact that I can't even touch a Krispy Kreme anymore. I have found that for snacking or gamer food, I cant eat any of that either! No corn chips, no potato chips, not even popcorn! The only thing I found that is okay for me are Slim Jims. Granted, they are loaded with salt, but my blood pressure and cholesterol is not an issue. I also love spicy foods and found out that the capcesin can actually help reduce glucose. Yes, I've looked at this thing that I have feared for a decade and ripped it's head off. I used what I know of alchemy and science to transmute the situation. No, it is NOT a cure and it never will be. But it is now controlled. And I might add, I'm doing it without medication or insulin. I have also dropped about 15-20 pounds. I am the smallest I've been since high school, hovering around the 200 pound mark now.

I had to get through this my way. I had to finally accept the fact that I have a chronic disease. I was going to transmute the situation and not let "diabetus" beat us. I've been told by many that they wish other diabetic patients had the same attitude. No sir! I will not be dependent on medications and have a devil may care attitude about my diet.  I am rather attached to my feet thankyouverymuch!

We wolves survive everything that is thrown at us. Be it nature or man. We face it, we find it's weakness, and then we exploit it without quarter.

It seems that the true nature of the Stone has now shown itself to me and has begin to transmute not only that without, but within as well. I do honestly feel reborn. Oroborous indeed.