Enter the 1990s...
The quest for the solution to my question of why religion "is what it is" and the proof to my theory that all religion is based on "one thing" came about from my soul searching experiences in college. When I entered college, I had absolutely no idea what the deuce I wanted to do with my life. I had just gotten through high school by the skin of my teeth, my old D&D group were scattered to the four winds and I found myself alone and living with my grandmother, which may have been a mistake. Top it all off with the fact that I was not working and generally living off of school grants and loans. The school of hard knocks came quickly, but I totally ignored it. I was forced to leave school and get a job only to quit that job and go back to school and try to get my GPA back up. The first 2 years of college were a dismal failure. I had the same attitude I had in high school. I shifted majors every semester it seemed. First electromechanical engineering, then physics, then chemistry, then biology, then ending with liberal arts. It took me 4 years to get my 2 year degree and by then I had so many elective credits I could have been a Junior by the time I entered UCF.
During my early college years I continued gaming with kids who were still in high school. It did not help that we lived right next to a bookstore in Deland, FL. Every week I would by something new, especially a Dragon magazine. The occult studies were put on hold (my grandmother didn't approve) I would still do experiments when she was out of town. My social deviance would continue even in those days. I did learn how to drive at least and soon saw myself driving to school. I would go back to Titusville and visit the only friend I had left there. Even though he was a Christian and not one of the D&D group I spent many weekends with him. I think he helped to calm my butt down a bit, but we were still weird. Dennis my friend, those days will always be remembered (Schmaltz!).
I left my grandmother and moved back in with my mother in 1990, and then went back to school after a disastrous foray in the real world. Apparently I was still not ready for it. It was a job as a graphic artist, or rather a draftsman. I was totally unprepared. School didn't help, mind you I didn't really study very hard either. It wasn't me. Also at this time my empathic ability shot right through the roof where I was sensing everybody's pain, in addition to my own. I learned to create the mental blocks quickly, but once a mind has touched you it's very hard to remove the experience. What was needed was a shield to go up the minute I sensed something. Ah youth...
I joined the Society for Creative Anachronism that year with my mother. The SCA is a unique experience and I am told you do not reach the exalted rank of Uber-geek until you have been in it at least a year. I found it interesting at first, and then a little too political. But if it were not for the SCA, I would have never met the people who would actually help me through a very difficult stage in my life.
It was through the SCA that I was first exposed face to face with Wicca. I had heard of it through my readings as a teen, but never thought it was for me, a bit too sexually oriented for my tastes and I thought the whole thing was one big Freudian nightmare. That theory was shattered when I actually witnessed a Wiccan hand-fasting ceremony. Suddenly a memory from my past came back. Ceremony, circle, fire, unity candle, jumping the broom. All these things seemed oddly familiar to me. It was also at this time that the "deja-vu" experiences I had in my teens came back with a vengeance. Every SCA event I attended seemed familiar to the smallest detail. The "buzz" had returned. But I still was blocking it, refusing to see what it was.
The early 90s were a flash of events, but all of them important. I was only a bystander in the SCA from 1990-1992. After 1992 I actually got involved. Enter Herr Doktor Wulf van der Russ, mka Bob Rush. A man who would be my Obi-Wan. Fencing was being introduced into the SCA and I wanted to be a part of it. This man put a sword in my hand and said go at it. I got poked repeatedly. He then had me go in the garage and play with an experienced fencer in close quarters. Poke after poke I simply could not keep the touches from getting me. Then it happened. My first real shift. Time seemed to slow down, I could feel the rage swell within me from the frustration. I could feel my face begin to contort and my eyes focus on the opponent. Parry, parry, thrust. Touch was mine. I scored my first touch. it took me a few seconds to come out of it and I was all like, what the frak just happened?
"You just cracked your shell with your egg-tooth" was what Bob said to me, but what I heard was Obi-wan "you have just stepped into a far greater world"
Needless to say fencing soon became my aggressive outlet, I became quite good, nothing masterful mind you, but I could hold my own. My technique was chaotic, doing a different move every bout to keep people guessing. Honestly I didn't even know what I was going to to next, I just let the subconscious rage direct me.
I also went head first in to witchcraft. I was introduced to it by Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft. I was more interested in the actual magick side of things rather than the whole religious aspect (deities and holidays) of it. I wanted power, real power. A power I could use to get what I desired without anyone being the wiser. The whole religion part of it didn't seem to mesh with me at that time. I would commune with nature and actually begin to feel the energy of the earth at that time. I was still unaware of what was truly inside of me trying to come out.
In 1994 tragedy would enter my life. My chronically ill mother would pass away. While this devastated me, I felt as if her passing was necessary. At last this woman was in peace, no longer in pain. If only I could know such peace. I entered a very dark period in my life. My attitude towards all started to waver and I sought solace only through gaming, the SCA, and school. I had to get a job now and I went into working at SubWay with the gaming/SCA group I met the year before my mothers death. I ended up living with Roy, my mother's last lover and whom I would consider an step-father.
In 1995 I would come face to face with what most would call karma or the threefold law. Today I simply call it "exchange", and there is nothing equivalent about it. I was asked, no tricked by someone to "reflect" negative energy back at someone who had supposedly done her wrong. I was young and foolish and just beginning to understand magick. I soon learned that the person was the one in the wrong and I felt the brunt of the backlash. Work became unbearable and I soon learned that college at UCF was never going to pan out. I left school and work and went to live with the gaming group, living on what was left of my mother's life insurance claim.
Life with this group was an experiment in socialism. Anyone who had money put it into the pot and the bills were paid out of that. That was fine for those of us who did not work, a bit of a pain for those who did. Somehow it worked out for about 2 years. I also effectively quit the SCA at this time and drowned myself in magick and computer gaming. I did manage to learn a bit of HTML in the process. As I said we were a major gaming group, it was not uncommon for us to be playing until 3am. One of these people is on my Friends list. Chaz, Scott, Lewis and Bob thank you for your friendship and support during those years we lived together. We had our ups and downs, but the time will never be forgotten.
Also during this time I started to look at Wicca from a new perspective. Perhaps there was something to the laws and tenets of the craft after all. Thanks to the internet I learned more and more about Wicca and the craft in general. I talked on IRC and message boards and learned more and more about stuff. I also came to the conclusion that my mother had been experimenting with it shortly before her death. She did a naming ceremony for her first grandchild in 1994, months before her death. I didn't know at first, but the ceremony was in fact derived from a Wiccaning! Always the tactful one, mom stated that it was a "non denominational" ceremony. Seeming that it was performed at an SCA event she did not want to offend anyone. I was also helped by reading the books of a witch in the SCA. I was always welcomed by Connie to watch her house and from there I would read the works of Cunningham and Silver Ravenwolf. I learned where I went wrong, and soon dedicated myself properly to Wicca in 1996.
This person who introduced me to Wicca proper also landed me my first gig as a computer programer. I was a web designer then a web administrator, it seemed as if the karma was paid off, but I still had to face another test...
I was watching Connie's house late Feb 1997 and the dog that had never had a problem with me decided he was going to be belligerent. Perhaps he was scared in the fact that "mom" was not home, but in any case he challenged me. He sat there growling at me as I tried to get to the bathroom. I was certain he was going to bite me. I put my hand out as you would when approaching any unfamiliar dog, he didn't bite, nor growl. I was like, okay you're trying to assert dominance. Fine. Frak you! And I walked over the dog with full assertiveness. It was when I let my guard down with a sigh of relief that the dog grabbed my arm by the wrist. I was like "oh you so did NOT bite me just now!" I did not try to pull my hand from his clasped jaws but rather let him continue to hold on as I looked at him with the same kind of feeling I had when I first "zoned out" in that first fencing match and mentally said "Let go, let go NOW!" The dog let go, stood its ground barking but did not make another attack and I headed for the door going to Roy's house just down the street.
The bite was bad. The canine had reached down to the Ulna and was causing considerable pain. I sat in the emergency room for hours before anyone came in to look at the wound, which was actually 2, one on the top and one on the bottom of the wrist. All they did was sterilize it and put a steri-stip on it. No stitches since it was an animal bite and they wanted it to drain.
Needless to say when Connie came back, she was not amused. She did some magick on the wrist, the first time magick was done on me I might add. I also did some stuff to aid the process. The night of the bite I had a dream of the wound being cleansed in a bubble bath and the wound disappearing. Apparently this had an effect for on the 3rd day after the hit I went back to the hospital for a checkup. The nurse's aid freaked because the scab on the bite had puss. The head nurse cleaned the wound and said, "no it's not infected, that was all the toxins rising to the surface." No infection, brilliant. It would still be days before I gained the full functionallity of my wrist. I was painful to even use the mouse at work. Though this I learned 2 things. I accepted the wolf within, but I became fearful of dogs. Dogs became my "Shadow totem". It would take years to get over the fear of dogs.
In 1998 I experienced my first "Witch War". While I was not directly involved in it, my master Bob was at the forefront of this. It all started when someone in the SCA, someone I knew from when I first joined, started doing crap that involved teching wicca to minors. That wasn't the worst of it. She was using magick and ritual to coerce others into joining her 'coven'. Orgies and bloodletting were rumored to be happeneing. I could feel the rage of the wolf buring within me, but my Master warned me not to get involved, even though I knew that my mother was a victim of this witch's wrongdoings. This bitch even claimed to have performed death curses, claiming she was the one who caused someone to get into a motorcycle accident. I wanted to kill her. "And that is why you must not get involved", said Bob. I heeded the master's warnings, and stayed my hand. This would be a situation that would not be fully resolved until well into the early 21st century.
1999 was the last, best year of the 20th century. I was living the high life. I had a good job, a good wife, didn't have to want for much and was growing more powerful and confident by the day. I felt I could do no wrong. I was going on roadtrips across the country, got to see New Orleans that year and saw Weird Al on stage. There were a few revelations and tribulations and sadly it all ended too quickly. In the end the decade would end as it started, at an SCA event. I would meet this very strange lady who was a witch and had a knack for just seeing inside people. She told me many things that I can't quite remeber but summed it up as "You are meant for far greater things than what you are doing. There will come times where you must make a choice. There will be times where you must be alone. But in the end you will know who you truly are." That night was new year's eve and as the clock chimed 12 and Y2K faded from fear into foolish folly I could feel my true self come to the surface. This was the greatest shift I have yet experienced. I was the wolf at that point. I was on all hands and feet and baying at the moon!" A new dawn has come. Sadly it would be short lived. While I felt the world was my oyster, I would learn in the '00s that it could be easily taken away from someone who has a weak foundation.
That story to continue in the next installment.
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