As this is a cathartic self analysis, I have decided to produce a chronological account of myself as it pertains to the metaphysical and spiritual side of my life. But as all things connect, it may slip into other facets of my being.
At a young age I was exposed to anything and everything I had an interest in, be that science, mathematics, reading, science fiction, comics, and yes even religion. My grandfather understood the importance of knowledge and was always giving me books to read. Mostly textbooks (he worked as a high school custodian in his later years) and then later Reader's Digest publications. I had a fondness for books on codes and puzzles. It was not uncommon to see my face in the encyclopaedia just to pass the time. Later I gained an interest in books about weird stuff such as metaphysics, UFO's and other X-Files like subjects.
Television helped to form my mind as well. I remember watching Sesame Street and Electric Company pseudo-religiously back in the 1970s. At the age of 10 I was actually watching Dr. Carl Sagan's Cosmos, and understanding it. I thank my uncle for exposing me to space science back in the 1970s shortly after Star Wars came out. I knew what an eclipse was, understood the difference between a Galilean and a Newtonian telescope and could explain how and why the moon has phases by the time I was 10.
Yes I was always a nerd, and encouraged to be one. Language and Science made sense to me. I could easily see the code around me but as I entered my pre-teen years there was one aspect of life that confused, and scared, the hell out of me. That was religion.
I soon found out that there were things in this universe that could not be simply explained through science and logic. Couple that with knowing that humans could wipe themselves off the planet in a nuclear conflagration and I soon entered the angsty teen stage at the humble age of 12! I was also being teased for being a nerd and an overweight one at that. The confusion would build to a head. I was also beginning to feel and sense things of a metaphysical nature all of this did not make any sense to me. Was I going to hell? Was Jesus and God "out to get me?" Why did I start seeing things like simulacra on the bedroom door? What the hell happened on that September night back in 1983?
Oh yes, September 1983. This would be most possibly my first encounter with the paranormal or whatever you want to call it. It all began when my mother fell ill and was in the hospital, the beginnings of her chronic illness. She hired a babysitter-caregiver who was a bit looney. This caregiver was into things that I did not understand. She called herself a Christian, but one who did "magick?" At that age I had no idea what she was talking about. All the stuff she spouted only continued to confuse me about religion. Then one night after my sister busted her knee up on freshly graveled pavement and had to go to the emergency room for stitches, this weird "Christian" lady performed some type of healing ritual on my sister. My sister was laid up in the living room, and I was in my bedroom. That night I started hearing what at first I thought was the television. It sounded like demonic laughter. Next thing I hear is the weird lady "boo-hooing" and running to the guest bedroom. I could not quite get myself to open my bedroom door and investigate, out of fear. Remember I read up on this stuff even by the age of 13. Finally when the sounds were gone, I opened my door and got the courage to find out what the hell happened. The weird lady was not in the bedroom(?), my sister was on the couch sleeping soundly as if nothing happened. A bag of tomatoes bought that day was strewn all over the floor and the clincher was a small plastic "wineglass" with a lock of my sister's hair in it. WTF! I knew this was the signs of some kind of ritual gone horribly wrong. I went back to bed and confronted the caregiver with questions. "Did you perform an exorcism?" "What happened last night?" etc.. She would not answer completely, but continued to assure me my sister was not possessed and was fine.
The fear of the unknown was quickly overruled by my naturally inquisitive nature. I had to find out what the frak happened, and why my sister was the focus of this. E.V. if you are reading this, please forgive me for this is an important point in my life, even if you don't remember it. I tried to look up everything in the occult section about it. All I could find was references to calling spirits and daemons, stuff I really didn't want to get caught up in at that time. Just when the confusion was at it's peak some answers came to me as I was inducted into the Boy Scouts.
I think it was October of that some year, I went to my first Scout Camp-Out. The forests and hills of Minnesota are truly breathtaking, at least in the 1980s they were. This was the first time in the years of my young life that I felt I truly belonged. Being outside, cold crisp air, lakes and trees. The voices in my mind began to quiet and I felt at peace. It was here that I experienced my first non-religious ritual. Induction into the scouts involved all being in a circle, with a bonfire in the center. You take the oath and dedicate yourself to being a scout and living by the motto and oath. I was finally part of something, and not an outcast, this was the first step to knowing who I was.
Early the next year, I did survival training in the scouts. Me and another experienced scout were to truly rough-it in the cold Minnesota snow. We built a lean-too and insulated the ground from our bedding. The task was simple, spend the night alone, just the 2 of us, with as little as we could carry. It was a fun experience, cold, but fun. It was that night I had another experience. While answering nature's call in the overnight hours (and quickly as possible), I saw her. I don't quite remember if this was real, or a dream, but I saw the most magnificent animal. A wolf. I was not afraid, she looked at me with her amber eyes glowing in the night and we just froze, staring at each other. She then went on her way as if to acknowledge her acceptance of us being in her domain. Or perhaps it was more than that. It would not be for many more years that I would even remember the experience.
Time would continue and I would enter my teen years. I also noticed something changing within me. I was not quite as afraid of things as I was before. I was much more aggressive, fights with other kids was not uncommon. Grades dropped as I was no longer interested in math or science anymore. This would continue after we moved to Florida due to my mother's health. I got in with a nerdy crowd and learned how to play D&D and computer games. I also learned a bit of the martial arts, sparing with friends on the coquina rock so prevalent in Florida. The mid 1980s were my deviant angsty teen years. While still a nerd, I was more and more obsessed with the metaphysical and occult. This is when I denounced religion entirely and began to experiment with the occult. I discovered that I was most probably a pagan and said my gods were Herne the Hunter and Gaia. Herne of course I gained from watching Robin of Sherwood back in that day. That show was my first introduction to paganism and demonology to a degree. I considered myself to be a "wolfs-head" due to my iconoclastic nature. I even did a D&D game scenario where Robin hood had a wizard. I also had a small "alchemists lab" full of chemicals I would find or get by other means. I was mostly a pyromaniac, burning sulfur and iron filings to make sparky effects. Yes I did experiment with making fireworks, nearly burning down the house in the process. Seeming as I always played the wizard in D&D, I was the Mage-Boy of the group.
Yes, my grades were affected by this deviant behaviour, I didn't feel school was important. It was a miracle that I actually turned it around in my senior year to graduate.
At the age of 18, I was a nerd, a wannabe wizard, a hardcore D&D gamer, self-proclaimed pagan and a social deviant with a crapload of unexplained rage within me. Little did I know all the answers I seek would come to me in the college years. Which will be blogged in part II...
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