I have recently celebrated yet another anniversary of my current vessel's birth. I am now 42 years of age and planted quite firmly into middle age, even if that is still only early middle age. I have quite recently had to come to grips with the realities of age, most noticeably health issues, but I have also noticed as I get older that there seems to be fewer and fewer therians my age out there. Do they burn out? Have they gone on to other things and left this 'fantasy' to the younger generations? Or have they more than likely, like myself, gotten way too busy with personal life to chat on frivolously about shifting, howling, and running with the pack? Have we all become (gasp!) Responsible adults?
I majored in psychology when I was in college. Mind you I didn't do anything with it as I never got into grad school, but I did learn a few things and one of the subjects was that of developmental psychology. This concept deals with the issues of how our consciousness develops and grows through various stages in our lives. The first stages are that of pre-birth and infancy followed by childhood. We discover who we are and try to form a sense of self as we enter adolescence. Early adulthood , from about 20-40, is all about forming relationships and social interaction. The state that I am at now and is the topic of this article is that of middle age, where we have supposedly 'settled down' and start to have physical changes be they menopause in females, andropause in males, or a plethora of various health issues and concerns. As a recently diagnosed diabetic, I know full well the gravity of health concerns at this stage. Finally there is old age, beginning at about age 60, where one looks back on one's life and sees what they have accomplished and starts retirement. Perhaps in 20 more years I will write a blog article titled "The Retired Therian".
So how do these various stages of development affect one's therianthropy? All I can say is from my own experiences and everyone is different of course. As therianthropy is mostly mental and spiritual, your personal experiences and psychology do affect it and vice-versa. How your body operates, and how you treat it, can also lend themselves to your personal psychology. I shall try to endeavor to show examples from my personal psychology and how they have affected my therianthropy to some degree. I will begin with high school and work my way to where I am now detailing how these stages of age have affected me and my therianthropy.
In high school I was a nerd, dweeb, geek, call it what you will. I was still trying to find a sense of just who I was. I got into the most geeky pursuit of them all, Dungeons and Dragons, when it was a big hit back in the 1980s. I was also a major computer geek and could make my C64 jump through hoops. I was also, as I always have been, overweight. Being a fat nerd boy was plenty of ammunition for others to use and yes I was teased and even gotten into plenty of fights. This pretty much ended by my later teens however. Being picked on and fighting I noticed a rebellious streak in me. More of a burning rage that would come out every so often. As one of the 'underdogs' I always strived to protect those who were not of the norm. I was still shy and reserved at this time, but I felt a particular longing to want to be the champion for us geeks and nerds. To be their voice, to 'fight the good fight'. This attitude towards the mainstream teens was not limited to just the jocks, but to their Barbie doll girlfriends as well. At this time I was growing more attracted to girls who were heavy like myself. Now this may have nothing to do with therianthropy, heck, I wasn't even awakened yet. But this shows you where I started to have a sense of myself of being the protective wolf even if I was still too shy to do anything with it.
I would not truly find myself until after high school and enter the hallowed halls of higher education. There was so many things I wanted to do I had no idea what to major in. I did the community college first, jumping majors for about 3 years. I was an engineer, then a chemist, then a physicist, then I gave up and just tried to get my A.A. Degree. When I entered University, I decided on psychology. All this time I was adding various bits and pieces of what I have learned into my personal philosophy. I was still quite shy and reserved in the late 80s and early 90s. Then I found something that would begin to open my eyes so to speak. I joined the Society for Creative Anachronism in the 90s and soon was interactive with a group of like-minded geeks. I got seriously into gaming at this time as well, I even moved in with a group of gamer geeks. I played everything under the sun and began to realize its okay to be different. It's okay to be a geek. I also got involved with wicca, witchcraft and the occult. Yes! These are MY people. Here is where I belong! One day a man by the name of Wulfe put a sword in my hand and said "Go play." On that day the wolf was finally released.
My 20s were some of the best years of my life. I was finding myself. I was becoming who I was meant to be. The 90s were full of optimism and hope. When the World Wide Web came on to the scene in the mid 90s I was all over it. I even got a job as a Web Developer. Thanks to the net I learned more of wicca. I was in contact with the SCA through newsgroups. I was even running games on IRC. I was in geek heaven! I even learned that it was okay to have a preference for large girls and that I was not alone. I also learned that I had a wolf totem, or medicine in me. I was still a practicing solitary at this time and I don't think 'therianthropy' as a word or a community even existed at this time, but still I understood that I was wolf. I was empathic, possibly telepathic, I could see auras, but was 'colour-blind' to them. I would howl and could feel a tail and ears on my 'aura'. So much was added to my psychology at this time. It was a wild and fast ride that ended too soon. But it was also the era where I met my heart's desire. I met my now wife of 14 years in 1997 and she too was searching. She was interested in something other than the religion she had grown up with. Something in her, just as like myself, was yearning for something more. When I told her of wicca she jumped right in. I told her of my 'wolf medicine' and for a time we thought she was wolf as well. We now know that she is a cat therian, tabby cat that is. She is also a Big Beautiful Woman, and the fact that I was physically, as well as mentally and spiritually attracted to her was a bit of a shock. She learned to accept herself as I learned to accept myself and we began our journey into the new century together.
If the 90s were a time of my rise, then the 2000s were to be it's decline. At 30 years of age, it just didn't click that I was getting older. At 31 however, things began to fall apart. I had lost my internet job by June of 2001 more than likely because of the dot-com crunch and outsourcing. It would be 7 long years before I would return to the IT field. Oddly enough I found a coven, or rather they found me, one week before 9/11. The events of that day will always burn in my mind as the day I 'full tilt shifted'. When I saw those towers get hit there was shock. When I saw them fall, there was rage! "Honey, something is happening, I have to go outside", I said to my wife. Before then when I shifted, it was always controlled. Usually brought upon by feelings of joy and ecstasy. Most often I would shift during a ritual with myself or the coven. I would feel power well up within me and I would release it with a howl. There would be other times I would shift when I hear of some wrongdoing. That was only simple anger and a reaction to something on the news, or if a friend was wronged in some way. Those anger shifts would calm down after a while. But this was much different. I was literally seeing red. The image of the falling towers still in my mind I ran out the door still in my pajamas and went to the back yard. Then it happened. The "Big Bad Wolf" started huffing and puffing. I was in what I call the "blood rage" and by Gaia those bastards were going to pay, with blood if necessary. I wanted to destroy. I wanted to KILL! The rage was so intense that I think I brought a tree limb down. I have never felt anger on this magnitude before. It was quite powerful and scary, and yet somewhat alluring. Yes, I have tasted the 'dark side' of my psyche. And what is more, I enjoyed it!
What followed next is a combination of good and bad, but mostly bad because I so desired power and strength that I would continue to dabble on this 'dark side'. Even though I was growing in the coven and learning more 'magick', I was also incorporating dark and self-destructive philosophies into my psyche at this time. I was combating depression from being unemployed and from the death of my mother as well. I wanted to get my job back in IT and was ready to do anything for it. A year passed, then two, then three. Still no IT job. I needed to get something else, and fast. I finally got a permanent gig with Wal Mart this would then add structure to my life that suddenly had no structure, only chaos and anger.
It was in 2004 when I started to emerge, albeit slowly, from my dark and emo period. I inherited the coven and soon learned of the therian community at this time. Once again, that light that I felt in the 90s returned. There were other people out there who felt as I do. Other people who fell they are an animal trapped in a human body. It WAS more than just a power animal, I WAS the animal! I also got heavily into the science of alchemy at this time and soon learned that the only thing constant in this universe is change and that our ancestors may have understood the universe a bit better than we do now. My spirit was healing and so was my mind. But I was still being quite abusive to my body. Even though I had managed to drop 20 or so pounds since the mid 90s, I was still eating bad things with impunity. I thought the weight loss was a good thing and my metabolism kicked in. I could not be more wrong. I held on to the belief that even heavy people could be healthy, but we were not being as healthy as we should have. In the 2010s the affects of age were in full swing as our bodies finally gave out. Fist with my wife, and then me.
I entered the middle ages in 2010 at the age of 40. Two years earlier I finally got back into IT and thought the world was my oyster again. I thought I was perfectly healthy since I had lost weight and kept it off for 5 years. Working with Wal Mart is very strenuous work. But when I got back behind a desk I started doing things to keep me awake that would have serious repercussions to my health. But the first hit was to my wife. She had been heavy all her life and been a smoker, but one day she couldn't get rid of a hacking cough. Little did we know her heart was slowly shutting down. She was having heart failure. She was taken to the emergency room and she was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. I was devastated. My entire philosophy came crashing down around me. "Oh my god! We're old! Our bodies are rebelling!" I saw this quite erringly as a 'magickal attack' and researched it heavily. Because my wife bounced back from this quickly and was on her feet again in mere days we thought that the 'love and light from friends and family' healed her and removed the 'curse'. She quit smoking, but after a few months she decided that she was fine and was right back to her old diet with the salt and carbs. Mind you we have eaten a carb and meat heavy diet for years. It was cheap and I loved my pasta, rice and potatoes along with hamburger and chicken. Sadly, my wife would have another attack and end up in the hospital a second time. This time we realized that this was a 'forever' thing.
I had to come to grips that my BBW needed not to be a BBW anymore. She started her 'lifestyle change' immediately. We were buying more veggies and eating more salad. I however was still rebelling. I didn't have the heart problem, why should I eat like a rabbit? She also began a regimen of walking daily. Her goal was to get healthy and loose weight. But after 2 years, she still has only lost maybe 5 pounds. I try to reassure her that she getting healthier regardless. But I too was ignoring the signs my body was giving me. I would always break out in boils and rashes, sometimes they would infect. One day I had such a thing happen on my toe. I don't know what it was, it might had been from bad shoes, maybe a bad insect bite. More than likely it was from me scratching athletes foot. All I know is that the toe got so sore that it was nearly impossible to walk on. But walk I did, using that "lupine integrity" not to show weakness or cave in to anything getting in your way. I still had to work. Eventually after 2 excruciating weeks of this and the fact that it erupted into a deep bloody wound, it healed up. Little did I know that this thing could have easily become an infection and I could have lost that toe.
And now we get to the crux of the matter. Yes I have prattled on about my history, but that is yet another sign of the aging therian! It was soon my turn to feel my body rebel against its mal-treatment. Remember what happened to my foot? Well something similar happened 6 months later around Christmas of 2011 but this time on my head! It started as a red and rashy bump. I thought a spider had bit me. This thing then blew up, got infected and started draining blood and puss. It also was the most excruciating pain I ever felt. I have had tooth problems before this, but never had my entire head swelled up and burned like this. I was munching aspirin and acetaminophen trying to keep the pain at bay hoping that it would clear up. It did not. I waited like a fool after Christmas to have it looked at. I never liked doctors or the emergency room much and even more so after my wife's visits. But the pain was so bad, and the wound was so large that I had no choice. I needed to "sacrifice myself to the will of man" and surrender to the medical profession that through so many years I had learned to despise. This was part of my self-destructive philosophy I developed in my twenties and thirties. I had forgot to mention that my mother was chronically ill all my life and that may have had something to do with my hatred, not fear mind you, hatred for modern medicine. I still have misgivings about the modern American medical industry. But on that day I went to get treated. They admitted me to the emergency room on the spot and put me on a morphine drip. They then took a culture and I waited...
"Sir you have a staph infection on your scalp that has developed into celulitus. We'll have to do surgery to remove the cyst. You are also diabetic."
Diabetes. That cursed word that I have heard in my youth as my mothers side all has it. I was so certain I was passed over this affliction, but yet somehow I knew. Perhaps it was the morphine but when I was diagnosed I really didn't care. My glucose was in the high 300s and my A1C was 11.7 meaning I had been diabetic for some time. And like most people who have it, I never knew about it and went about destroying myself with Krispy Kremes, Java Mosters and other sugar and carb laden treats. I was in the hospital for 6 days and went under two surgeries and a myriad of tests. I had my glucose tested constantly and learned how to inject myself with insulin. Once again I think it was the morphine, but it all didn't seem that bad. It was like I was fighting against the truth about my aging body for years out of fear, only to discover that dealing with it was easier than combating it. On that day I underwent a paradigm shift.
It was new years eve. 2011 was passing into that famed year of 2012. Was this truly the end of MY world? A world I had spent decades constructing. I wholeheartedly believed that I was the architect of my own reality. Things that I learned as I walked on the path of magick and the occult. But I am only a magickian and a therian, I am NOT a god. Even though I can 'bend the rules' to an extent. I am still bound by the natural laws of this universe. It is fine to have a philosophy that gives you strength and self assurance. It is fine to believe what you wish. But when that belief deludes you, then it becomes self destructive. I'm not saying that being a therian is what caused my predicament. It was being a FOOL that did it. I was so cock-sure of myself and soaring to the heights of the sky above that I refused to see what was happening down below. The hermetic axiom is "As above, so below" I was all about the above. But now I needed to integrate that with the below. And so on new years eve, I felt something change within me. For the days prior to this I felt separated. The spirit of the wolf in me seemed remote. But suddenly it returned with a vengeance. "I needed to leave the body so that it could heal", said a voice in my mind. "But as I am you, I will never leave you." Old Wolf then came back and I could feel the energy return. This time it was different. This time I would not fail. This time I would heal my body as I had healed my mind and spirit. The three parts of the whole would be united and the Stone would be complete.
I have been off insulin since Feb of 2012 and have not taken any more medications to date. I still check my glucose daily and have averaged abut 110-120 fasting with a 2 hour after dinner spike of not more than 200. They like you to be about 100 fasting and 180 spiking. I have been successful because I have cut all carbs from my diet. No pasta, no potatoes and no rice unless it is brown. I also have a bowl of oatmeal periodically to keep the cholesterol in check. I can have some carbs, but they have to be the RIGHT carbs. Thank Gaia the docs said my heart was fine and I had no high cholesterol which means I can still eat meat! I try to stick to lean red meats, lean pork and chicken as opposed to Italian sausage and fatty meats.I now eat salad daily and don't mind it so much as I once did. I've managed to get my weight down as well, I'm hovering around 200lbs now. I haven't been this small since high school. I feel much better and don't get as winded when climbing stairs or get panic attacks like I did at night. I can tell my blood pressure is doing good as the heart 'thumps' I once experienced are gone, and I can actually take heat and humidity without feeling exhausted. Sure there are good times and bad times but I have my diabetes under control, and I am not naive to believe that it will ever be cured, even by my will. This is yet another one of those 'forever things' that sometimes happen as we age. We must learn the lesson and continue.
My wife still does her thing but has now incorporated my diet into hers. Granted she still eats more carbs than I do. I flat out refuse to eat anything carby except in the morning when I can burn it off thoughout he day. My will is absolute. My wife is still big and I suppose she's okay with it. Doc says she's doing fine but could do better. People say I have done amazingly well and they are proud of me. What is my secret? Simple. I understand that the only thing that is constant in this life is change and...
I am an aging therian, and with that age comes wisdom, if we only stop to listen and learn the lesson.
Arcanus Tempestas Greywolf
14 July, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
The Power of Hope
We as a society, and I feel
most of what we call "western" society as a whole have lost something.
Something I remember we had even as soon as 12 years ago. No, it is not
innocence. We gave that up when we let the genie out of the atomic bottle.
What we have lost is not even faith, as we can see from our quite
dogmatic neighbors who are vehement in their beliefs, no matter how
skewed they may be. It is not even trust in our leaders, for even as
there are those who are against the current and previous
administrations, there are equally a number of those who are for them.
We have lost something as a society that no one person, save one's self,
can bring back into their lives and spirits.
When all the ills of the world were unleashed from Pandora's box, what was the one thing that remained?
Hope!
We as a society have lost the last thing we had. We have not just lost it, but we gave it away freely! The sleepers were guided by some unseen hand to feel as if they are worthless, useless and bad. In that moment of desperation the human mind reaches out to anything, ANYTHING that can give them solace, even it that happens to be FALSE hope. We surrendered our hopes when the towers fell. We surrendered our hopes when the economy fell. We surrendered our hopes when we felt we had no where else to turn to but our leaders who also succumbed to false hopes and ideals. The sleepers surrendered the last bit of what they had, what they were, to what I call the Black Serpent. This foul beast coils itself about your very soul and fills the mind with poison. It promises power, strength and greatness. But all it does it take more and more each day. It represents the shackles of bondage to a false ideal. An ideal that is not of your own making. It's only goal is to drag you down into the pit of despair and hopelessness, consuming that spark of life, that HOPE, within every living thing.
We who do not sleep. We who feel the golden light of Hope within us. We who know that "every man and woman is a star" must press on with our work, our Great Work. Not everyone knows how tread on the Golden Path but those who do must shine as brightly as a fusing sun and light the way for those who have lost all, or feel they have. The Golden Light is the only thing that can defeat this Black Serpent. This is the Sol Invictus, The Light of Ra, and the Philosopher's Stone. The path of the Golden Road is never easy, and the results do not necessarily benefit the pathworker directly. But when you have helped someone who was in the grip of the Black Serpent, your very spirit evolves, changes, transmutes and grows as those who do around you. That solitary star becomes a constellation, then a galaxy, who's light illuminates even the dark emptiness of space itself.
Do not give up the fight. Do not give up HOPE!
When all the ills of the world were unleashed from Pandora's box, what was the one thing that remained?
Hope!
We as a society have lost the last thing we had. We have not just lost it, but we gave it away freely! The sleepers were guided by some unseen hand to feel as if they are worthless, useless and bad. In that moment of desperation the human mind reaches out to anything, ANYTHING that can give them solace, even it that happens to be FALSE hope. We surrendered our hopes when the towers fell. We surrendered our hopes when the economy fell. We surrendered our hopes when we felt we had no where else to turn to but our leaders who also succumbed to false hopes and ideals. The sleepers surrendered the last bit of what they had, what they were, to what I call the Black Serpent. This foul beast coils itself about your very soul and fills the mind with poison. It promises power, strength and greatness. But all it does it take more and more each day. It represents the shackles of bondage to a false ideal. An ideal that is not of your own making. It's only goal is to drag you down into the pit of despair and hopelessness, consuming that spark of life, that HOPE, within every living thing.
We who do not sleep. We who feel the golden light of Hope within us. We who know that "every man and woman is a star" must press on with our work, our Great Work. Not everyone knows how tread on the Golden Path but those who do must shine as brightly as a fusing sun and light the way for those who have lost all, or feel they have. The Golden Light is the only thing that can defeat this Black Serpent. This is the Sol Invictus, The Light of Ra, and the Philosopher's Stone. The path of the Golden Road is never easy, and the results do not necessarily benefit the pathworker directly. But when you have helped someone who was in the grip of the Black Serpent, your very spirit evolves, changes, transmutes and grows as those who do around you. That solitary star becomes a constellation, then a galaxy, who's light illuminates even the dark emptiness of space itself.
Do not give up the fight. Do not give up HOPE!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
My Writings
Sometime in March of this year, I had become re-inspired to pursue my writing, both my poetry and my continuing story of the Kind. The Kind are a race of shape-shifters some of which poses various paranormal abilites. I started on this novel in September of 2011 but had stopped sometime in November. As I write more chapters (up to 30 now) I learn more about my self as I add to the detail and back story of the characters. I give here a somewhat brief description of my story and where I draw inspiration.
Science fact, fiction and fantasy
Sci-fi and fantasy play a heavy part in inspiring my writing, but I back it up with some science fact, at least on a theoretical basis. I have always been fascinated by the possibility of time travel. You will see a lot of Back to the Future, Dr. Who and of course H.G. Wells inspiration in my work. I love playing with causality paradoxes, alternate history and flashbacks. Mad science also plays a large part in my style. Who doesn't like a bit of classic horror complete with a mad scientists lab full of Tesla coils, weird bubbling concoctions and bizarre machines? The fantasy aspect comes of course from my 25 plus years of playing D&D and watching various movies from the 1980s such as Conan, Legend and Princess Bride. Space Opera enters into the story direct from the works of Mr. Lucas. Finaly, how can we forget how anime has influenced me? Yes. I will admit that my story is HEAVILY influenced by FullMetal Alchemist, complete with the abilities of transmutation as possessed by the story's main character, and his relations. I simply give the alchemists in this story the ability to transmute matter simply by touch. There are no transmutation circles, no clapping of hands, and hopefully nothing that would get me sued. I honor the work of FMA's creator respectfully. It's simply just another power the Kind posses like fire, ice, storms or telepathy. You can also see a bit of Babylon 5 in the story if you look close enough. And of course there's Harry Potter, Firefly and Farscape. Yep. I'm a geek for sure and just about everything sci-fi and fantasy has influenced me.
Real-world magic and the occult
People who know me know that I am no stranger to magic(k) and the occult. I am a practicing alchemist and magickian. I do not follow any one neopagan path. I am not Wiccan, but I have been in the past. My poetry are in fact incantations and chants to the gods, elementals, or the forces of nature. Some of the rituals performed by the Kind are derived from actual real-world Wiccan, pagan, and hermetic ritual. The underlying theme is that Kind ritual formed the basis of human ritual and magic. Everything from Egyptian funerary rites, medieval alchemy and even Freemasonry is thought to be derived from the ancient teachings of the Kind before man began to hunt them down. The concept of the "Hunting Times" is an analogy to the "Burning Times".
I put A LOT of my own personal beliefs and practices into my work. As I said most poems are in fact incantations. I follow meter and rhyme and they almost sound like something out of Shakespeare. My work in alchemy and theoretical science is very obvious in the main character's ability to combine both "magic" and science to come up with new abilities on the fly. The rituals detail various moral, ethical and magical beliefs as well.
Locations
England
I am 5 generations away from that blessed isle. My Great x2 Grandfather was born in the Channel Islands in 1831 and moved to NYC some time in the 1850s. I have always felt a connection to the British isles. I suppose I'm a bit of an anglophile. I feel that there is no other place more seeped in magic and legend than in the UK and Ireland. I have never been there in this lifetime, but hopefully someday. And Stonehenge! I so want to see the stones! IN my story I have included Stonehenge and have done research trying to get a good idea how someone in 2006 would be able to get to the stones discretely. To the Kind, the stones are more than they appear.
Alaska and Canada
Nothing shows more sense of the "wild frontier" in the 21st century that Alaska and Canada. Okay yes, Siberia too, but we'll get to that in a moment. As a therian, alaska's wild open spaces, mountains, lakes, and ice call me home. It is here that the wolves run free, at least that's how I would like to see it. The reality for real wolves is grim with all the current huntings. Perhaps I will write ecology and care for our feral cousins in the story at a later time. Second to England is the North of North America. so wild and free. This is the setting for Grandfather's camp and home of the Whitepaw pack.
I have also been inerested in Canada to an extent. They have something we Americans gave up long ago, possibly due to the politics associated with the War of Independance. One of the main characters resides in Vancouver and I am researching the city and culture to get more a feel for it as well.
United States
What can I say. I'm a yank. So I would write about placed I knkow about. I haver lived in Florida, North Carolina, Minnesota and have been in Arizona, Tennesee, Georgia and Virginia. I was born in New York, but lived most of my life in the South. Robert was born English but was sent to America at a young age that he would not remeber it. He was raised by teachers in Florida, so he has a somewhat more 'southern' attitude. Suz is from the hills of Apalachia, and is even more southern. Grandfather and Amber are Alaskans, with a more frontier life attitude.
Russia/Siberia
Having grown up in the tail end of the cold-war, I was taught to fear the Soviet Union. These were the "bad guys" and that the concept of communisim was diametricaly opposed to the American way of life. These guys also had the atomic bomb and could wipe us out in a heartbeat. Yes I watched "The Day After" and "Red Dawn" in the 1980s and as a kid they gave me the willies. But after the Iron Curtain fell, I wondered were these guys really all that bad? I lived in Minnesota in the 1980s and we had quite a number of Russian Jews emegrating at tht time, some of which I befreinded and taught English to in elementary school. As more of Russian culture leaked out in the 1990s I discovered that they are more alike than not. I learned that it's governments and idealologies that conflict, not the people. Russia's Siberia is very similar to the near arctic realms in Alaska and Canada. I have heard the tales of Baba Yaga and of the shamans of the stepes and tundras and wanted to add that somewhere. So the character of Dmitri was created.
Germany
Always had a fondness for Germany, particularly the Black Forest and Bavaria. It is also here that such tales as from the Brother's Grim come from. I do have some German ancestry as well. The character of Heinrich was created from the Black Forest of Germany and also one of the largest packs in the world.
NYC, Chinatown
City of the World. New York City is full of people of many diverse cultures and groups. I've only been in the city as far as the airports. Yet somewhere else I want to go. Chinatown I imagine would be fun to visit as well, especialy during the New Year festivities with Dragons and Lion dances and fireworks.
The Characters
Okay, I'll admit it. The characters in this story are based on real world people. But I must reiterate that they are NOT these people I know personally. They are people whom I would like to be or meet. I know we cannot shape-shift or use magic powers. I have no intention of offending anyone. The only characters that are seriously close to anyone in real life are Robert and Suz. And yes, these two represent myself and my real-world wife as we were when we were in our 20s. The other characters are merely archetypes and totally made up. Just because I say someone is a cousin or sister in my story does not mean they are my cousin or sister in real life.
The Kind Race
The Kind race is a race of shape-shifters who have an immortal spirit. Yes, this is based in my personal beliefs of reincarnation and of course therianthropy. I use the word "Kind" as there are many types of Kind such as wolvenkind, catkind, foxkind and yes, humankind. I gave them powers traditionally known to werewolves such as fast regeneration and healing, heightened senses and for some, exceptional strength. Some Kind also possess various powers called "gifts". To use these gifts, they must be in anthropomorphic (or were) form. I declined from having them shred clothes during a shift to having the form "surround" their mortal forms. A full transformation is possible, but only when too much power, or rage, is channeled. There is also the risk of loosing one's "self" when fully shifting. The Kind's fast healing and regeneration ability means that Kind do not suffer the same afflictions as man. Surgery, even elective would not be possible, and is not needed due to the regeneration. This happens even in human form, albeit a bit slower. Kind do age, and do begin to progressively slow down after age 50 or so. The mortal and spirit forms are linked on a physical level, so a Kind that is fat, skinny, short, tall, etc... would also have these characteristics in not only their human, but their anthro and full animal forms as well. Hair colour is consistent as well. A red-fox Kind will generally be a ginger. Polar or arctic Kind will develop white hair at a young age.
Life Lessons and Social situations
Here we come to the story under the story. I deal with may mdern day issues, some of which I have personally come to grips with long ago, and others I am still dealing with even in middle age.
Self Acceptance
This story deals mainly with the concept of self-acceptance. The ability to accept yourself for who and what you are regardless of how human society views you. You are who you say you are, not what others would have you be. Our main character, Robert, is a nerd and he fully accepts it. In the start when he discovers what he is and that "magic" is real, he has a tough time accepting that. Over time, and with a little bit of help with his friends, he grows to accept himself as a Kind and eventually, a leader as well.
Size Acceptance
People who know ol' uncle Arcanus know that he does not hide his preference for the big gals. He is married to a wonderful Big Beautiful Woman (BBW) who has also learned to accept herself. In the story, I have written in 3 heroines who do not fit the average model of a Barbie Doll or anorexic supermodel. Suz is quite plump, Amber is an Amazon, and Cassie is an SSBBW (Super Sized). Each one has learned to accept themselves and their size. Granted their sizes do cause a few problems, mostly in getting into small places and in some respects mobility. Never does the issue of health come up, because the Kind simply do not have the ability to get human diseases. I understand that being seriously overweight in the human world is unhealthy, but this is a fantasy story and I would rather deal with the issues of size acceptance than that of health issues. Who wants to read about someone who is constantly dealing with diabetes or heart disease anyway? No thanks.
Now before you smaller folk get your knickers in a twist I have you in mind as well. I have seen big girls bash on skinny girls before but it was only in jest. But sometimes I know that even skinny bashing is as hurtful as fat bashing. While I personally have a preference for the full figured, I accept that there is beauty in ANY size. We have a skinny girl in the story who starts out being a fat-phobic most likely from being bullied on being a skinny girl, learns to accept people of size, and eventually even herself.
Bullying
The main bad guy in the story is a serious bully. He represents all the bullying I have seen growing up and even in the adult world. Childhood bullying is such as teasing, name calling and trying to taunt and egg people on. But there is also "adult" bullying. Size bullying has been mentioned but there is also ideological bullying, bullying others over their faith and even sexual orientation. My story's main evil deals with bullying and causing people to loose faith in themselves and surrendering to the "dark side".
Morality
Ah yes. The classic battle of "good v. evil". What story doesn't have that classic conflict? We mentioned the evils of bullying, but what about the true nature of evil? What is evil and does it exist in nature? In my story the Kind choose which path they will follow based on the "oroborous" serpent. This is in fact my own belief which is based in qabalah and uses the Caduceus of Hermes as a symbol. The Caduceus, which is the modern medical symbol, includes two serpents entwined about a staff surmounted by wings. The two serpents are the red serpent of severity and the blue serpent of mercy. The staff between them is the grey path of alliance. The wings above are the golden wings of hope. But there is a 5th serpent. A serpent that is not chosen unless you do not accept the other four. That is the black serpent of bondage. It is the dark side of cruelty, subjugation, hopelessness and what most would call evil. It is that which is left when the other four are absent. The Golden Light of Hope is mostly opposed to the Darkness of Bondage. It is the Grey path that mediate all things. Severity is fiery, forceful and sharp. It is the stern parent, but it is not evil. Mercy is the kind and caring parent and the generous king.
Rage v. Control
The Kind are a dynamic race, they are easily swayed by their emotions and personal and internal conflicts are a constant occurrence. It is more intense in them than in humans. A reason is because they are in touch with their inner fire, the source of their power. This is the rage. The rage does not always have to be fueled by hate or anger, sometimes great joy can power the rage as well. Robert has real issues in controlling his anger, being easily manipulated by Red's taunts early in the story. But as he learns more about himself and his path, Robert begins to learn more and more control. Rage is fine, but to let it control you does have consequences. Something I still deal with in real life even in my 40s. Many things cause me to rage, but none so much as man's inhumanity to man and beast.
Most will see many other things in this story. But the main things I want to give to the reader is a sense of suspension of reality, an idea of what the ideas of alchemy and my personal spirituality mean and the fact that not only does love conquer all, but one must also have hope, balance, severity and mercy as well.
Science fact, fiction and fantasy
Sci-fi and fantasy play a heavy part in inspiring my writing, but I back it up with some science fact, at least on a theoretical basis. I have always been fascinated by the possibility of time travel. You will see a lot of Back to the Future, Dr. Who and of course H.G. Wells inspiration in my work. I love playing with causality paradoxes, alternate history and flashbacks. Mad science also plays a large part in my style. Who doesn't like a bit of classic horror complete with a mad scientists lab full of Tesla coils, weird bubbling concoctions and bizarre machines? The fantasy aspect comes of course from my 25 plus years of playing D&D and watching various movies from the 1980s such as Conan, Legend and Princess Bride. Space Opera enters into the story direct from the works of Mr. Lucas. Finaly, how can we forget how anime has influenced me? Yes. I will admit that my story is HEAVILY influenced by FullMetal Alchemist, complete with the abilities of transmutation as possessed by the story's main character, and his relations. I simply give the alchemists in this story the ability to transmute matter simply by touch. There are no transmutation circles, no clapping of hands, and hopefully nothing that would get me sued. I honor the work of FMA's creator respectfully. It's simply just another power the Kind posses like fire, ice, storms or telepathy. You can also see a bit of Babylon 5 in the story if you look close enough. And of course there's Harry Potter, Firefly and Farscape. Yep. I'm a geek for sure and just about everything sci-fi and fantasy has influenced me.
Real-world magic and the occult
People who know me know that I am no stranger to magic(k) and the occult. I am a practicing alchemist and magickian. I do not follow any one neopagan path. I am not Wiccan, but I have been in the past. My poetry are in fact incantations and chants to the gods, elementals, or the forces of nature. Some of the rituals performed by the Kind are derived from actual real-world Wiccan, pagan, and hermetic ritual. The underlying theme is that Kind ritual formed the basis of human ritual and magic. Everything from Egyptian funerary rites, medieval alchemy and even Freemasonry is thought to be derived from the ancient teachings of the Kind before man began to hunt them down. The concept of the "Hunting Times" is an analogy to the "Burning Times".
I put A LOT of my own personal beliefs and practices into my work. As I said most poems are in fact incantations. I follow meter and rhyme and they almost sound like something out of Shakespeare. My work in alchemy and theoretical science is very obvious in the main character's ability to combine both "magic" and science to come up with new abilities on the fly. The rituals detail various moral, ethical and magical beliefs as well.
Locations
England
I am 5 generations away from that blessed isle. My Great x2 Grandfather was born in the Channel Islands in 1831 and moved to NYC some time in the 1850s. I have always felt a connection to the British isles. I suppose I'm a bit of an anglophile. I feel that there is no other place more seeped in magic and legend than in the UK and Ireland. I have never been there in this lifetime, but hopefully someday. And Stonehenge! I so want to see the stones! IN my story I have included Stonehenge and have done research trying to get a good idea how someone in 2006 would be able to get to the stones discretely. To the Kind, the stones are more than they appear.
Alaska and Canada
Nothing shows more sense of the "wild frontier" in the 21st century that Alaska and Canada. Okay yes, Siberia too, but we'll get to that in a moment. As a therian, alaska's wild open spaces, mountains, lakes, and ice call me home. It is here that the wolves run free, at least that's how I would like to see it. The reality for real wolves is grim with all the current huntings. Perhaps I will write ecology and care for our feral cousins in the story at a later time. Second to England is the North of North America. so wild and free. This is the setting for Grandfather's camp and home of the Whitepaw pack.
I have also been inerested in Canada to an extent. They have something we Americans gave up long ago, possibly due to the politics associated with the War of Independance. One of the main characters resides in Vancouver and I am researching the city and culture to get more a feel for it as well.
United States
What can I say. I'm a yank. So I would write about placed I knkow about. I haver lived in Florida, North Carolina, Minnesota and have been in Arizona, Tennesee, Georgia and Virginia. I was born in New York, but lived most of my life in the South. Robert was born English but was sent to America at a young age that he would not remeber it. He was raised by teachers in Florida, so he has a somewhat more 'southern' attitude. Suz is from the hills of Apalachia, and is even more southern. Grandfather and Amber are Alaskans, with a more frontier life attitude.
Russia/Siberia
Having grown up in the tail end of the cold-war, I was taught to fear the Soviet Union. These were the "bad guys" and that the concept of communisim was diametricaly opposed to the American way of life. These guys also had the atomic bomb and could wipe us out in a heartbeat. Yes I watched "The Day After" and "Red Dawn" in the 1980s and as a kid they gave me the willies. But after the Iron Curtain fell, I wondered were these guys really all that bad? I lived in Minnesota in the 1980s and we had quite a number of Russian Jews emegrating at tht time, some of which I befreinded and taught English to in elementary school. As more of Russian culture leaked out in the 1990s I discovered that they are more alike than not. I learned that it's governments and idealologies that conflict, not the people. Russia's Siberia is very similar to the near arctic realms in Alaska and Canada. I have heard the tales of Baba Yaga and of the shamans of the stepes and tundras and wanted to add that somewhere. So the character of Dmitri was created.
Germany
Always had a fondness for Germany, particularly the Black Forest and Bavaria. It is also here that such tales as from the Brother's Grim come from. I do have some German ancestry as well. The character of Heinrich was created from the Black Forest of Germany and also one of the largest packs in the world.
NYC, Chinatown
City of the World. New York City is full of people of many diverse cultures and groups. I've only been in the city as far as the airports. Yet somewhere else I want to go. Chinatown I imagine would be fun to visit as well, especialy during the New Year festivities with Dragons and Lion dances and fireworks.
The Characters
Okay, I'll admit it. The characters in this story are based on real world people. But I must reiterate that they are NOT these people I know personally. They are people whom I would like to be or meet. I know we cannot shape-shift or use magic powers. I have no intention of offending anyone. The only characters that are seriously close to anyone in real life are Robert and Suz. And yes, these two represent myself and my real-world wife as we were when we were in our 20s. The other characters are merely archetypes and totally made up. Just because I say someone is a cousin or sister in my story does not mean they are my cousin or sister in real life.
The Kind Race
The Kind race is a race of shape-shifters who have an immortal spirit. Yes, this is based in my personal beliefs of reincarnation and of course therianthropy. I use the word "Kind" as there are many types of Kind such as wolvenkind, catkind, foxkind and yes, humankind. I gave them powers traditionally known to werewolves such as fast regeneration and healing, heightened senses and for some, exceptional strength. Some Kind also possess various powers called "gifts". To use these gifts, they must be in anthropomorphic (or were) form. I declined from having them shred clothes during a shift to having the form "surround" their mortal forms. A full transformation is possible, but only when too much power, or rage, is channeled. There is also the risk of loosing one's "self" when fully shifting. The Kind's fast healing and regeneration ability means that Kind do not suffer the same afflictions as man. Surgery, even elective would not be possible, and is not needed due to the regeneration. This happens even in human form, albeit a bit slower. Kind do age, and do begin to progressively slow down after age 50 or so. The mortal and spirit forms are linked on a physical level, so a Kind that is fat, skinny, short, tall, etc... would also have these characteristics in not only their human, but their anthro and full animal forms as well. Hair colour is consistent as well. A red-fox Kind will generally be a ginger. Polar or arctic Kind will develop white hair at a young age.
Life Lessons and Social situations
Here we come to the story under the story. I deal with may mdern day issues, some of which I have personally come to grips with long ago, and others I am still dealing with even in middle age.
Self Acceptance
This story deals mainly with the concept of self-acceptance. The ability to accept yourself for who and what you are regardless of how human society views you. You are who you say you are, not what others would have you be. Our main character, Robert, is a nerd and he fully accepts it. In the start when he discovers what he is and that "magic" is real, he has a tough time accepting that. Over time, and with a little bit of help with his friends, he grows to accept himself as a Kind and eventually, a leader as well.
Size Acceptance
People who know ol' uncle Arcanus know that he does not hide his preference for the big gals. He is married to a wonderful Big Beautiful Woman (BBW) who has also learned to accept herself. In the story, I have written in 3 heroines who do not fit the average model of a Barbie Doll or anorexic supermodel. Suz is quite plump, Amber is an Amazon, and Cassie is an SSBBW (Super Sized). Each one has learned to accept themselves and their size. Granted their sizes do cause a few problems, mostly in getting into small places and in some respects mobility. Never does the issue of health come up, because the Kind simply do not have the ability to get human diseases. I understand that being seriously overweight in the human world is unhealthy, but this is a fantasy story and I would rather deal with the issues of size acceptance than that of health issues. Who wants to read about someone who is constantly dealing with diabetes or heart disease anyway? No thanks.
Now before you smaller folk get your knickers in a twist I have you in mind as well. I have seen big girls bash on skinny girls before but it was only in jest. But sometimes I know that even skinny bashing is as hurtful as fat bashing. While I personally have a preference for the full figured, I accept that there is beauty in ANY size. We have a skinny girl in the story who starts out being a fat-phobic most likely from being bullied on being a skinny girl, learns to accept people of size, and eventually even herself.
Bullying
The main bad guy in the story is a serious bully. He represents all the bullying I have seen growing up and even in the adult world. Childhood bullying is such as teasing, name calling and trying to taunt and egg people on. But there is also "adult" bullying. Size bullying has been mentioned but there is also ideological bullying, bullying others over their faith and even sexual orientation. My story's main evil deals with bullying and causing people to loose faith in themselves and surrendering to the "dark side".
Morality
Ah yes. The classic battle of "good v. evil". What story doesn't have that classic conflict? We mentioned the evils of bullying, but what about the true nature of evil? What is evil and does it exist in nature? In my story the Kind choose which path they will follow based on the "oroborous" serpent. This is in fact my own belief which is based in qabalah and uses the Caduceus of Hermes as a symbol. The Caduceus, which is the modern medical symbol, includes two serpents entwined about a staff surmounted by wings. The two serpents are the red serpent of severity and the blue serpent of mercy. The staff between them is the grey path of alliance. The wings above are the golden wings of hope. But there is a 5th serpent. A serpent that is not chosen unless you do not accept the other four. That is the black serpent of bondage. It is the dark side of cruelty, subjugation, hopelessness and what most would call evil. It is that which is left when the other four are absent. The Golden Light of Hope is mostly opposed to the Darkness of Bondage. It is the Grey path that mediate all things. Severity is fiery, forceful and sharp. It is the stern parent, but it is not evil. Mercy is the kind and caring parent and the generous king.
Rage v. Control
The Kind are a dynamic race, they are easily swayed by their emotions and personal and internal conflicts are a constant occurrence. It is more intense in them than in humans. A reason is because they are in touch with their inner fire, the source of their power. This is the rage. The rage does not always have to be fueled by hate or anger, sometimes great joy can power the rage as well. Robert has real issues in controlling his anger, being easily manipulated by Red's taunts early in the story. But as he learns more about himself and his path, Robert begins to learn more and more control. Rage is fine, but to let it control you does have consequences. Something I still deal with in real life even in my 40s. Many things cause me to rage, but none so much as man's inhumanity to man and beast.
Most will see many other things in this story. But the main things I want to give to the reader is a sense of suspension of reality, an idea of what the ideas of alchemy and my personal spirituality mean and the fact that not only does love conquer all, but one must also have hope, balance, severity and mercy as well.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Thoughts on Energy
Thoughts on energy.
I have come to a conclusion on many so called "new age" energy practices and how they relate to my own experiences, teachings and experimentation. I have been largely self taught as I do not have the financial means to obtain training or "atunements" done. Still I feel I may have felt the same energy as Kudalini and Reiki practitioners even if it is "in the raw" as I am not a practitioner of either of these.
In the begining I was all being shown how to sense energy through both martial and magickal practices. I was trained in the use of the sword and was introduced to the concept of "sentiment du fer" or "feel of the blade". You could anticipate your opponent by sensing it. I akined this to a type of empathic sense. My master then channeled chi-kung and let me feel it. That was when I first experienced energy. I then learned I could generate the same feeling in others. I had no real training, it simply came natural. I could feel the energy as a tingling sensation. This moved on to producing energy balls and "pushy-hands". I still did not know what I was channeling at that time, was this outside or inside? In Wicca, this same energy was used in circle casting with athame, sword or staff. I continued to play around with this energy until I found a book on astral thought forms. I then used the same energy to construct various astral objects filled with intent.
When I came to know my inner beast a bit better I soon learned of another energy. This was violent and chaotic and seemed to well up from the inside. It is this energy that invokes the shift. It is a forceful and angry energy. I have looked into Kudalini and this seems to match with what I experience when this energy raises. It's like a mighty explosion from within. I have used this energy in conjunction with many Golden Dawn derived rituals, such as the middle pillar and LBRP. I use the channeling astral energy mentioned above to cast my circle of pentagrams and then when "within me is the six-rayed star" a beam of light from above shoot down into my centre causing a reaction. That reaction is like an atom bomb going off. A mighty explosion of energy from within blasting everything in the area to oblivion. A fusion of above and below perhaps?
Another thing about those Golden Dawn rits. I have learned that they are primarily used to teach the practitioner what the energy feels like. For example, if you do the LBRP constantly, you will eventually learn what the banishing and invoking energies feel like. Performing the rituals of the hexagram will let you know what planetary energies feel like. Feeling is the first step. Once you know how the energy feels, you can then generate or channel it without the ritual. I have done this on numerous occasions. Is this similar to being attuned to an energy by a master? As I have never experienced an attunement I can only speculate.
My work in alchemy and qabalah have shown me that there are indeed many different energies, or perhaps vibrations of the same energy. The key is knowing what that vibration feels like. There are so many techniques for sensing, channeling or even generating these energy frequencies that they all have a common focus. Wicca is concerned mainly with lunar, solar and elemental energy. Ceremonial magick goes into the energy associated with the planets or qabalistic sephiroth. Alchemy wraps up elemental and planetary and adds the three primes and the transmutative energies associated with the zodiac and the azoth.
As I compare alchemy to what I have seen of both Reiki and Kudalini, I have made the following conclusions.
Reiki seems to me to be the energy from without, or the "universal energy" so often described by its practitioners. This is the energy that is channeled by one so attuned to cause change and healing to the spiritual form. I would associate this energy to the Mercury of the Philosophers. It is the light of the universe itself and is receptive to the spirit, also associated with Our Mercury. Practitioners of other mystical paths may also be channeling this energy, call it the astral or Yetziric plane. I believe that they only scratch the surface when it comes to the full realization of this type of energy.
Kudalini seems to be the opposite. It is said that Kudalini is a "coiled serpent" based at the root chakra and when invoked rises through the chakra points until it explodes in a fountain of energy emanating from the crown. This energy can be channeled or directed in a continuous flow around the body. To the uninitiated this effect when it happens spontaneously can be quite disturbing as it is chaotic and forceful. This seems to associate with the Sulphur of the Philosophers. This is the primal energy or spark of creation. it is a mighty burst of energy from within. This is your soul. When this energy meets the universal energy the alchemic marriage is made.
The last form of energy therefore must be associated with the Salt of the Philosophers. This any scientist, mad or not, knows al too well. This is the energy of what most would call "physical reality". This is heat, light, force, gravity, electromagnetism, radiation, kinetic and potential energy. Using this physical energy in conjunction with the two "mystical" energies will cause true transmutation to occur. Remember the words of the Thrice Greatest.
So therefore in conclusion, it seems that there are 3 forms of energy and a myriad of vibrations of those 3 forms. Even physical electromagnetic energy has a "rainbow" of visible vibrations and hundreds of invisible vibrations. I think the tree of life is a road-map for the vibrational levels of universal and internal energy as well.
There you have it. My thoughts on energy. I have never been attuned by a Reiki master but can only speculate to how it may feel. I only wonder if I have, in a chaos magick sort of way, felt it without knowing. Kudalini is a definite. That energy just explodes like a nuclear blast, although I have learned to use my "mediation of the tempest" to make me a calm center in the raging storm. I also focus this into my therianthropic shifts.
I have come to a conclusion on many so called "new age" energy practices and how they relate to my own experiences, teachings and experimentation. I have been largely self taught as I do not have the financial means to obtain training or "atunements" done. Still I feel I may have felt the same energy as Kudalini and Reiki practitioners even if it is "in the raw" as I am not a practitioner of either of these.
In the begining I was all being shown how to sense energy through both martial and magickal practices. I was trained in the use of the sword and was introduced to the concept of "sentiment du fer" or "feel of the blade". You could anticipate your opponent by sensing it. I akined this to a type of empathic sense. My master then channeled chi-kung and let me feel it. That was when I first experienced energy. I then learned I could generate the same feeling in others. I had no real training, it simply came natural. I could feel the energy as a tingling sensation. This moved on to producing energy balls and "pushy-hands". I still did not know what I was channeling at that time, was this outside or inside? In Wicca, this same energy was used in circle casting with athame, sword or staff. I continued to play around with this energy until I found a book on astral thought forms. I then used the same energy to construct various astral objects filled with intent.
When I came to know my inner beast a bit better I soon learned of another energy. This was violent and chaotic and seemed to well up from the inside. It is this energy that invokes the shift. It is a forceful and angry energy. I have looked into Kudalini and this seems to match with what I experience when this energy raises. It's like a mighty explosion from within. I have used this energy in conjunction with many Golden Dawn derived rituals, such as the middle pillar and LBRP. I use the channeling astral energy mentioned above to cast my circle of pentagrams and then when "within me is the six-rayed star" a beam of light from above shoot down into my centre causing a reaction. That reaction is like an atom bomb going off. A mighty explosion of energy from within blasting everything in the area to oblivion. A fusion of above and below perhaps?
Another thing about those Golden Dawn rits. I have learned that they are primarily used to teach the practitioner what the energy feels like. For example, if you do the LBRP constantly, you will eventually learn what the banishing and invoking energies feel like. Performing the rituals of the hexagram will let you know what planetary energies feel like. Feeling is the first step. Once you know how the energy feels, you can then generate or channel it without the ritual. I have done this on numerous occasions. Is this similar to being attuned to an energy by a master? As I have never experienced an attunement I can only speculate.
My work in alchemy and qabalah have shown me that there are indeed many different energies, or perhaps vibrations of the same energy. The key is knowing what that vibration feels like. There are so many techniques for sensing, channeling or even generating these energy frequencies that they all have a common focus. Wicca is concerned mainly with lunar, solar and elemental energy. Ceremonial magick goes into the energy associated with the planets or qabalistic sephiroth. Alchemy wraps up elemental and planetary and adds the three primes and the transmutative energies associated with the zodiac and the azoth.
As I compare alchemy to what I have seen of both Reiki and Kudalini, I have made the following conclusions.
Reiki seems to me to be the energy from without, or the "universal energy" so often described by its practitioners. This is the energy that is channeled by one so attuned to cause change and healing to the spiritual form. I would associate this energy to the Mercury of the Philosophers. It is the light of the universe itself and is receptive to the spirit, also associated with Our Mercury. Practitioners of other mystical paths may also be channeling this energy, call it the astral or Yetziric plane. I believe that they only scratch the surface when it comes to the full realization of this type of energy.
Kudalini seems to be the opposite. It is said that Kudalini is a "coiled serpent" based at the root chakra and when invoked rises through the chakra points until it explodes in a fountain of energy emanating from the crown. This energy can be channeled or directed in a continuous flow around the body. To the uninitiated this effect when it happens spontaneously can be quite disturbing as it is chaotic and forceful. This seems to associate with the Sulphur of the Philosophers. This is the primal energy or spark of creation. it is a mighty burst of energy from within. This is your soul. When this energy meets the universal energy the alchemic marriage is made.
The last form of energy therefore must be associated with the Salt of the Philosophers. This any scientist, mad or not, knows al too well. This is the energy of what most would call "physical reality". This is heat, light, force, gravity, electromagnetism, radiation, kinetic and potential energy. Using this physical energy in conjunction with the two "mystical" energies will cause true transmutation to occur. Remember the words of the Thrice Greatest.
So therefore in conclusion, it seems that there are 3 forms of energy and a myriad of vibrations of those 3 forms. Even physical electromagnetic energy has a "rainbow" of visible vibrations and hundreds of invisible vibrations. I think the tree of life is a road-map for the vibrational levels of universal and internal energy as well.
There you have it. My thoughts on energy. I have never been attuned by a Reiki master but can only speculate to how it may feel. I only wonder if I have, in a chaos magick sort of way, felt it without knowing. Kudalini is a definite. That energy just explodes like a nuclear blast, although I have learned to use my "mediation of the tempest" to make me a calm center in the raging storm. I also focus this into my therianthropic shifts.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
2012 - Oroborous
As 2011 came to a close, Yule arrived. with Yule came my preparations for the ritual but something very strange was happening to me.
It started as a little bump. I thought I hit my head on the car door again, but no this welt got bigger over time. Okay, I thought. I've been bit by a freaking spider. The welt covered the right side of my head and then it started draining. It was bloody at first. And then the pain came.
Oh it felt like my head was on fire! I did the same thing for this as I did for my foot some 4 months prior. Lots of aspirin and other over the counter pain medications. They would help for a bit, like 2 hours, and then the pain would return. I couldn't take any more meds for another 4 hours, that is if I liked my liver to remain functional.
I beared this pain for about a week after yule, as I did not want to ruin Christmas. On 27 December I had enough of it and went to the hospital to get looked at. I had hoped all I needed was a lancing, some penicillin derived drug and then sent back to work. Negative.
They admitted me to the emergency room on the spot. Before I knew it they had jammed an I.V. into my vein (that sucker HURT! and made me feel queasy too.) and Was pumping me full of morphine (mmmmm, morphine!). They took a culture and suspected it to be MERSA or some-such thing that resists antibiotics. Well it was just a simple staph infection, but the infection was so bad it was making my blood pressure high. if it wasn't for the fact that we drained the dang thing every night, thanks to Raven. It might have developed into sepsis.
So they start me on IV antibiotics and that morphine and get ready to prep me for surgery. They needed to cut my head open and remove the 'cyst'. Well apparently there were multiple cysts. The diagnosis was cellulitus. That and that dreaded thing which I had suspected but denied for about 10 years...
Diabetes.
Yes my blood sugar was high too. My A1C was over 11 they said. I was to be put on insulin immediately. Great. Now I get to shoot up and get pricked every freaking 4 hours. Yeah, there's a reason you don't sleep in a hospital, they wake you every 4 hours or so for this and that. Check the glucose, check the blood pressure, check the oil and transmission fluid, etc...
Then I had my surgery. This was my first time. They prepped me with a drip to numb me and then they put on the mask. I remember nothing that happened for the next two hours. I wake up groggy as hell and talking weird crap in the recovery room. I remember nothing about the surgrery, not a thing after the anesthesia. Its as if there is a memory block. Very unsettling to someone who even remembers their dreams as they sleep.
I was trained to shoot myself up with insulin, as I would be going home with it. I already knew how to eat. Simple, just go low-carb or no carb. Yep I had to give up sweets, but thankfully my blood pressure was not cause by anything wrong with my heart or high cholesterol. Great I can still eat meat! I'd hate to have to live my life eating rabbit food every day. That would be a death sentence for me.
I got to spend New Years Eve alone in a hospital room. It might have been the drugs (mmm...morphine!) but I swear something changed in me that night. I had a bizarre feeling that I could suddenly sense everything around me! My shields were completely gone. There was a buzzing in my head and a numbness in my soul. But what was very disturbing was the fact that I could no longer feel the animal within. The wolf had detached itself from me!
I was calm and at peace as the ball dropped that night. There was no rage, no fury, no storm. Just a numb feeling. I felt alone. I felt afraid. I was at the edge of a great cliff and not fearing to take the next step over the edge. I had felt something similar before when I 'became the storm'. In that experience I found another piece of myself, In this one all the pieces now separated themselves out. I heard that familiar voice in my mind...
"I am still here. I have never left you, as I am you. The separation was necessary for the body to heal. When the body has been cleansed the spirit which has also been cleansed along with the mind will recombine. That is the way of the Oroborous Serpent. Solve et Coagula."
To anyone else but me, and perhaps those who are learned in the occult, this whole episode would most likely come across as a drug induced fantasy. And indeed it may be. But chemognosis is a legitimate form of gnosis nonetheless. I tend to listen to myself even when I fail to listen to others.
Shortly after midnight, the oroborous transmutation began. I began to feel my mind and spirit rush back into my being. The wolf was back, and with a vengeance! The calmness was still there, and a bit of confusion. But the drive to kick this disease in the arse was very strong. I focused my rage not at myself, as I knew this did not happen by fault of my own, but at the disease itself. I wanted off those damn injections! They were like a cage to me.
So for the next month, Jan 2012, Raven would be away watching mom and dads place while I learned to add my diabetic regimen to my daily life. Check my glucose, take a shot, eat breakfast, then get ready for work where I have to shoot up again before lunch. Fun. Actually its' not so bad. The shots are from these neat pens that look like a Bones McCoy spray hypo. Sometimes it stings but if I get it right, it doesn't hurt. What's really a prick are those danged lancets for the glucometer.
Anyway, after a month I am healed up in my head and getting used to this diabetes thing. yes I miss real chocolate, but it's something I needed to do for some time and acknowledge the fact that I have a health issue. Oh by the way, my A1C seems to have dropped from that 11 to almost 7 by the end of January. sadly, my finances are going to hell in a hand-basket, but I am working with the county to get my meds.
Feb and March had me dealing with my new lifestyle by myself, as Raven was house-sitting for Mom and Dad while they were out in Arizona visiting my sister and step-brother. I basically learned what made my glucose shoot up and it seemed as if the insulin injections were doing anything. Had the idiot doctor at the hospital not checked to see if I was insulin resistant? I took my blood glucose readings in the morning and right after work to get a fasting reading. Mornings were always high, but afternoons were getting lower. I recorded everything on a spreadsheet and discovered that my trend was indeed going down, very slowly. I found out that the ADA diet does not work for me. 60 grams of carbs per meal? Hell no! I eat my few carbs at breakfast and then minimize them through the day ending with no carbs at night. This seemed to do the trick. I then found out that my previous diet was full of nasty carbs like potatoes, corn and pasta. I had to say good bye to pasta forever for that stuff, even the whole wheat, made my glucose shoot like a rocket. But what really gets my goat is the fact that I can't even touch a Krispy Kreme anymore. I have found that for snacking or gamer food, I cant eat any of that either! No corn chips, no potato chips, not even popcorn! The only thing I found that is okay for me are Slim Jims. Granted, they are loaded with salt, but my blood pressure and cholesterol is not an issue. I also love spicy foods and found out that the capcesin can actually help reduce glucose. Yes, I've looked at this thing that I have feared for a decade and ripped it's head off. I used what I know of alchemy and science to transmute the situation. No, it is NOT a cure and it never will be. But it is now controlled. And I might add, I'm doing it without medication or insulin. I have also dropped about 15-20 pounds. I am the smallest I've been since high school, hovering around the 200 pound mark now.
I had to get through this my way. I had to finally accept the fact that I have a chronic disease. I was going to transmute the situation and not let "diabetus" beat us. I've been told by many that they wish other diabetic patients had the same attitude. No sir! I will not be dependent on medications and have a devil may care attitude about my diet. I am rather attached to my feet thankyouverymuch!
We wolves survive everything that is thrown at us. Be it nature or man. We face it, we find it's weakness, and then we exploit it without quarter.
It seems that the true nature of the Stone has now shown itself to me and has begin to transmute not only that without, but within as well. I do honestly feel reborn. Oroborous indeed.
It started as a little bump. I thought I hit my head on the car door again, but no this welt got bigger over time. Okay, I thought. I've been bit by a freaking spider. The welt covered the right side of my head and then it started draining. It was bloody at first. And then the pain came.
Oh it felt like my head was on fire! I did the same thing for this as I did for my foot some 4 months prior. Lots of aspirin and other over the counter pain medications. They would help for a bit, like 2 hours, and then the pain would return. I couldn't take any more meds for another 4 hours, that is if I liked my liver to remain functional.
I beared this pain for about a week after yule, as I did not want to ruin Christmas. On 27 December I had enough of it and went to the hospital to get looked at. I had hoped all I needed was a lancing, some penicillin derived drug and then sent back to work. Negative.
They admitted me to the emergency room on the spot. Before I knew it they had jammed an I.V. into my vein (that sucker HURT! and made me feel queasy too.) and Was pumping me full of morphine (mmmmm, morphine!). They took a culture and suspected it to be MERSA or some-such thing that resists antibiotics. Well it was just a simple staph infection, but the infection was so bad it was making my blood pressure high. if it wasn't for the fact that we drained the dang thing every night, thanks to Raven. It might have developed into sepsis.
So they start me on IV antibiotics and that morphine and get ready to prep me for surgery. They needed to cut my head open and remove the 'cyst'. Well apparently there were multiple cysts. The diagnosis was cellulitus. That and that dreaded thing which I had suspected but denied for about 10 years...
Diabetes.
Yes my blood sugar was high too. My A1C was over 11 they said. I was to be put on insulin immediately. Great. Now I get to shoot up and get pricked every freaking 4 hours. Yeah, there's a reason you don't sleep in a hospital, they wake you every 4 hours or so for this and that. Check the glucose, check the blood pressure, check the oil and transmission fluid, etc...
Then I had my surgery. This was my first time. They prepped me with a drip to numb me and then they put on the mask. I remember nothing that happened for the next two hours. I wake up groggy as hell and talking weird crap in the recovery room. I remember nothing about the surgrery, not a thing after the anesthesia. Its as if there is a memory block. Very unsettling to someone who even remembers their dreams as they sleep.
I was trained to shoot myself up with insulin, as I would be going home with it. I already knew how to eat. Simple, just go low-carb or no carb. Yep I had to give up sweets, but thankfully my blood pressure was not cause by anything wrong with my heart or high cholesterol. Great I can still eat meat! I'd hate to have to live my life eating rabbit food every day. That would be a death sentence for me.
I got to spend New Years Eve alone in a hospital room. It might have been the drugs (mmm...morphine!) but I swear something changed in me that night. I had a bizarre feeling that I could suddenly sense everything around me! My shields were completely gone. There was a buzzing in my head and a numbness in my soul. But what was very disturbing was the fact that I could no longer feel the animal within. The wolf had detached itself from me!
I was calm and at peace as the ball dropped that night. There was no rage, no fury, no storm. Just a numb feeling. I felt alone. I felt afraid. I was at the edge of a great cliff and not fearing to take the next step over the edge. I had felt something similar before when I 'became the storm'. In that experience I found another piece of myself, In this one all the pieces now separated themselves out. I heard that familiar voice in my mind...
"I am still here. I have never left you, as I am you. The separation was necessary for the body to heal. When the body has been cleansed the spirit which has also been cleansed along with the mind will recombine. That is the way of the Oroborous Serpent. Solve et Coagula."
To anyone else but me, and perhaps those who are learned in the occult, this whole episode would most likely come across as a drug induced fantasy. And indeed it may be. But chemognosis is a legitimate form of gnosis nonetheless. I tend to listen to myself even when I fail to listen to others.
Shortly after midnight, the oroborous transmutation began. I began to feel my mind and spirit rush back into my being. The wolf was back, and with a vengeance! The calmness was still there, and a bit of confusion. But the drive to kick this disease in the arse was very strong. I focused my rage not at myself, as I knew this did not happen by fault of my own, but at the disease itself. I wanted off those damn injections! They were like a cage to me.
So for the next month, Jan 2012, Raven would be away watching mom and dads place while I learned to add my diabetic regimen to my daily life. Check my glucose, take a shot, eat breakfast, then get ready for work where I have to shoot up again before lunch. Fun. Actually its' not so bad. The shots are from these neat pens that look like a Bones McCoy spray hypo. Sometimes it stings but if I get it right, it doesn't hurt. What's really a prick are those danged lancets for the glucometer.
Anyway, after a month I am healed up in my head and getting used to this diabetes thing. yes I miss real chocolate, but it's something I needed to do for some time and acknowledge the fact that I have a health issue. Oh by the way, my A1C seems to have dropped from that 11 to almost 7 by the end of January. sadly, my finances are going to hell in a hand-basket, but I am working with the county to get my meds.
Feb and March had me dealing with my new lifestyle by myself, as Raven was house-sitting for Mom and Dad while they were out in Arizona visiting my sister and step-brother. I basically learned what made my glucose shoot up and it seemed as if the insulin injections were doing anything. Had the idiot doctor at the hospital not checked to see if I was insulin resistant? I took my blood glucose readings in the morning and right after work to get a fasting reading. Mornings were always high, but afternoons were getting lower. I recorded everything on a spreadsheet and discovered that my trend was indeed going down, very slowly. I found out that the ADA diet does not work for me. 60 grams of carbs per meal? Hell no! I eat my few carbs at breakfast and then minimize them through the day ending with no carbs at night. This seemed to do the trick. I then found out that my previous diet was full of nasty carbs like potatoes, corn and pasta. I had to say good bye to pasta forever for that stuff, even the whole wheat, made my glucose shoot like a rocket. But what really gets my goat is the fact that I can't even touch a Krispy Kreme anymore. I have found that for snacking or gamer food, I cant eat any of that either! No corn chips, no potato chips, not even popcorn! The only thing I found that is okay for me are Slim Jims. Granted, they are loaded with salt, but my blood pressure and cholesterol is not an issue. I also love spicy foods and found out that the capcesin can actually help reduce glucose. Yes, I've looked at this thing that I have feared for a decade and ripped it's head off. I used what I know of alchemy and science to transmute the situation. No, it is NOT a cure and it never will be. But it is now controlled. And I might add, I'm doing it without medication or insulin. I have also dropped about 15-20 pounds. I am the smallest I've been since high school, hovering around the 200 pound mark now.
I had to get through this my way. I had to finally accept the fact that I have a chronic disease. I was going to transmute the situation and not let "diabetus" beat us. I've been told by many that they wish other diabetic patients had the same attitude. No sir! I will not be dependent on medications and have a devil may care attitude about my diet. I am rather attached to my feet thankyouverymuch!
We wolves survive everything that is thrown at us. Be it nature or man. We face it, we find it's weakness, and then we exploit it without quarter.
It seems that the true nature of the Stone has now shown itself to me and has begin to transmute not only that without, but within as well. I do honestly feel reborn. Oroborous indeed.
Introducing Arcanus Tempestas Greywolf - Part the Sixth
2011 - They Year of Weirdness.
Winter 2011
The new year started very oddly with dead birds falling from the sky and fish washing up on shore. The whole 2012 end of the world bullcrap was in full swing.
Through the Occult Book Club I managed to teach my alchemy lessons, all seven of them now, to that group and got to do it in a masonic hall. It was the first time I have ever been in a masonic hall and even though we were limited to the common area it was still awesome. The masonic friend who contacted me from last summer's dinner was our host. I could feel the history of the place. The building I think was over 150 years old even though that masonic lodge was in existence for 250. There was much energy to the place, I never felt anything like it before, or maybe I had. Could this be the Philosopher's Stone? I have always suspected the Freemasons to be at least partly based in the teachings of alchemy. But as I quickly learned while the 'secret' teachings are based in hermetics and roscirucianism, very few Freemasons even truly understand the meaning behind their rites.
Speaking of masonic rites, I did manage to witness an Investiture of Officers, one of the few rites that is open by invitation. I was impressed. These guys have to do everything from memory, no notes! The entire ceremony took about an hour and a half. I'd like to see the old coven even attempt anything lasting more than a half hour, and from memory! Once again I felt as I should belong. It would be a few weeks before I was voted on however and in the process of waiting I met up with another therian.
Enter Margie
She contacted me via witchvox on the Ides of January and was impressed that I called myself a therianthrope so openly. We started emailing and before I know it we were talking on AIM and even via video. She was very wise in the ways of magick and the occult, or so it seemed. She started claiming that she more than likely knew me in a previous life and I started believing her as well. I had though that maybe, just maybe, I had finally found my spiritual sister. I would soon find out that I was wrong.
Margie soon showed her true colours. She started having issues with everyone she lived with. Her lover, her family, everyone. She moves out of her lover's house and back in with her father and sister. She then moves out of there and back with her lover. This goes on for another month and then I don't hear anything until she calls me collect from a mental ward in Philadelphia. Apparently even though she is a recovering addict, her mind is still fracked up and she was off her meds. I started to think about everything she said to me, everything she shared, and that which I shared with her. She would freak me out about my wife, saying things such as "I think she is going to have trouble with her heart soon" or "she's going to die in the hospital". I hated Margie for that crap!
Eventually she totally falls off the face of the earth. I get another phone call message that she's in yet another mental hospital and that was the last I heard of her. I can't believe I fell for half that woman's crap! I actually cared about her. I shared things with her on a personal and spiritual level. Because I got burned more than once with females who say they are wolf therians, I am now very, VERY leery about associating with them. I might have let my desire to find my spiritual sister blind me to the truth. I still hope to find her, but I will be seriously cautious from now on.
Blackballed!
The Freemasons got back to me about my election. I was Blackballed. The reasons are such that I cannot say explicitly, as I gave my word. I can say that it was through no fault of my own, but it did involve a power play. Once again the truth of a thing has shown itself. I might try again with a different lodge as I have that option in six months.
But by winters end, I would learn that my days would be numbered at my place of employment.
Spring and Summer 2011
The Spring of 2011 saw me unemployed after 2 1/2 years with the Joneses. They simply could not keep afloat regardless of all the ideas we came up with. The housing market even by that time was still a shadow of what it once was. It was a good fight, but in the end Mr. Jones had to close the shop.
I immediately went and got unemployment compensation, getting about a half pay per week. I could still survive, but certain bills, like the fraggin student loan, would just have to eat it. I managed to pay for those things that matter like the rent, electricity and car payment. I went on food stamps but even that was limited to about 50 bucks a week.
In the first week of may I managed to land an interview for a PHP/HTML development job at a clothing factory. The interview I think went quite well. I remember that I dressed up as fine as I did for the masonic investiture earlier that year. It was too warm to wear it. I thought I nailed the interview.
After the interview, we went to an SCA event, the first one I had in years and the first one with Bri in NC. Very interesting. As we set up the camp I heard thunder in the distance. "That sounds pretty bad" I said. We had had some terrible storms in April, the first true tornado in Central NC in years, and they hit between Fayetteville and Ft. Bragg. They do not call me Arcanus TEMPESTAS Greywolf for nothing, I am a Stormwolf after all and I know when a storm is coming. "Oh no, that's just them shooting ordinance on the range. Oh no, there's a quarry nearby." Right. Sure. Uh huh. Before It hit I reached out with my mind to try to steer it, but it smacked me upside the head mentally. It would NOT be controlled! By nightfall the storm was upon us and blew everything away in a mighty gust. Tents got turned into twisted masses of metal, plastic and canvas, all the stuff got wet. We had to spend the night in the car. Not fun.
May, June and July were spent with me generally staying home, applying for jobs from my computer and playing retro games. I got back into Meridan 59 which is now free to play, I got out of it after I remembered how much freekin PKing there was. I got back into LotR Online. Awesome.
New Job, New Roommate
I never got the good gig at the clothing company, I had to settle for a contract position with the city which paid $1.50 less than what I was making and with no benefits or even paid holidays and let me tell you, government offices have a lot of holidays. Even though Christmas was on a Sunday, you still had the following Monday off so that was 88 bucks gone for the week. But at least we got some help from a roommate who was also a coven member.
Nikki was part of our coven for some time this year. She was about to be deployed in Afghanistan and decided that an apartment with another soldier wasn't cutting it. She asked to move into our spare bedroom. Raven asked me and I gave an enthusiastic yes. Not only was I thinking of the extra financial help at the time, but I kinda liked this girl, she's a good kid! Like I said she was a soldier, in our coven and also an avid gamer and SCAer. I told her that she was most certainly a therian and a fox at that. She has always had a thing for foxes and wouldn't you know she'd be a 'soulless ginger' so guess what kind of fox. Red of course! I had a great time with her when she was with us, I even learned to make some German food. She got a bit more into therianthropy and I taught her some practical alchemy as we attempted to make coloured flames with household chemicals, much to the chagrin of the wife.
The End of the Darkrune
Darkrune, Dark Alcove, Sylent Mynd, Mr. Circumstance and a myriad other names for himself, would show his true colors. He met Nikki at his place of employment and started 'hitting' on her as he always does in his playful flirtatious way. Nikki never met him before but the first impression was passed over as just a friendly tease. But it didn't stop there. Apparently he even tried to ask Nikki privately to come to his place and not in a truly playful way. Things got bad and before you know it de-freindings happened on FB and elsewhere. I managed to get wind of some of the thinks he was saying behind her back and I stepped up to the plate and told the bastard to knock it off! So he turns on me. This guy who treated me as a friend for five years decided I was no longer worth his time. Apparently this guy had decided to turn atheist and totally treat anyone who believes in any type of spiritual path as a misguided fool and an idiot. he bashed everyone in the pagan community. He went into me by basically telling everyone he knows that I think I change into a full wolf in the pale moonlight and I control people in my 'pack' with magick. Geez, what a friggin jackweasel! This guy who used to be into Norse religion, paganism, magick and the occult, had turned into an atheist prick?(Not that all atheists are.) WTF? I 'declared war' on him and all that he stood for, especially when my friends and family, my 'pack' as he so eloquently put it, was concerned. It was truly over between us, just because I stood up for someone. I think most of this started when he bashed on witches in the community when they were talking about all the weird crap that had been going on with the environment at that time. In NC, we had tornadoes in April. More weird weather in May followed by an earthquake in August and then the threat of a major hurricane. All someone said on FB was that 'mother nature is pissed' and then he bashes on them for putting the blame on mother nature and that the great gods or the boogy man is coming to destroy the world. Holy friggin Bhuddah on a skateboard son! Get a flipping grip! I don't care if your an atheist, just don't go trash talking everyone because they believe in something. Okay enough about this guy.
The Voyage Home
In early September we head with Nikki back to Florida. The first time I and Raven had been back home in almost five years. We told nobody of this because we wanted to surprise them. We had it planned since July. Unfortunately my foot would have an issue just before we head out.
I don't know, maybe it was a poorly fitting shoe, maybe I walked too much but somehow I managed to get what was at first a very bad swelling on my middle toe on the right foot. Te pain started to get really bad to the point that walking was difficult. By the time of the SCA event, I was in serious pain, but figured it was just a bad blister and went anyway. Mistake.
The pain was so unbearable and the walking so difficult that I was munching aspirin, ibuprofen and acetaminophen like it was candy. Finally the damn thing bust open and starts bleeding, heavily. This thing went deep! I was hurting so much that I missed a viking wedding because I couldn't walk from the camp.
Raven had an issue, we thought the heat was getting to her heart so we managed to have us shack up for the remainder of the trip in the air conditioned 'infirmary' that the EMTs on staff had set up. Her with heat issues and me with a bad foot where all I could do was hobble. What a trip. Still, I managed to do what I set out to do. I went for one thing, to remember what it was like and to feel the energy of Florida once again. I saved that energy and put it in a 'bottle' so to speak. I met people I haven't seen in years, but still, I would have liked to have met others. In retrospect, and I'll tell that tale in the January 2012 issue, I could have lost the toe.
Fall 2011
In the fall of 2011 I would actually hear from that crazy, mentally ill Margie again. She told me that she headed out to California to be in a band. Now she's homeless and living with another homeless guy in some camp somewhere and "he's the one for her'. She uses the library computer like all the other homeless slobs in the area. Jeez. I just wish she'd get her crap together and leave me alone. Come back once your life is straight. I have no time for such crap anymore, seriously.
It was a hell of a summer, all those Arab uprisings and whatnot. My foot healed up in about 2 weeks and you'd think nothing happened to it. The fall was a hell of a lot better. October means Samhain and ours was rockin'. A few new faces showed up that time including a few we met at the coffee house pagan chats.
We did a haunted hayride and haunted house at the local park. Wicked fun.
I started doing my writings sometime around September. I put together a DeviantArt site to contain all my chapters. It's pretty cool so far. It's based on my life as a therian, but it adds a lot of pop culture and sci-fi/fantasy influences including but not limited to Anime, Star Trek, Star Wars, Harry Potter and back to the Future. Part of it even includes steam-punk! The Edwards Brother's Mysteries. A short vignette done around Halloween that involves two wolvenkind brothers in Victorian England on the trail of Jack the Ripper.
Nikki would leave the army due to her becoming pregnant by Mid November. We wish he luck in her new civilian life and an easy birth, due sometime in march I think.
Money was getting tight, but still things were looking up for me in November and December. There was the possibility of me getting a permanent gig with the city and actually having paid vacation days. After Samhain, I decided I wanted to do the Yule ritual. I had everything planned. It was going to be so awesome and include a few alchemical things.
That is until Yule actually occurred and my head exploded with excruciating pain and a nasty bloody, pussy discharge...
Monday, April 23, 2012
Introducing Arcanus Tempestas Greywolf - Part the Fifth
2008-2010: The Time of the Stone
We left off at about September of 2008, when I had honestly believed I had formulated the Philosopher's Stone from at least a personal and spiritual standpoint. Various things that I had wanted to return were returning. Things requiring change were changing. Let us recap for a bit.
July - Left Wal-Mart hopefully for good and was offered a tech job in Downtown Fayetteville.
August - Settling in with said tech job and learning the ropes. I quickly saw that my skills, my foundation, was shaky after being outside the box, even with the college training I had 4 years prior.
September - The waters returned to Hope Mills Lake and it felt as if the energies were in balance once more. Pagan shops sprang up like wildflowers to oppose the "Dark One's" store, and all of them in the same Flea Market. Raven began working with a store owned by the one called Rune in the previous chapter. We also got involved with more local pagans through Silver Stars and a newcomer store (Talisen). I felt a strong connection with the owner of the newer store and even joined her meetup group. Sadly, once again all was not as it appeared.
As time went on, while good things were starting and I could see the alchemical reactions forming, something inside told me that something was wrong. The foundation of the Stone's formulation was based on shaky physics and dodgy theory and more importantly inexperience. Things were not as they appeared and soon the reaction that started began to crumble.
October 2008
The market crash that lead to the Great Recession begins. As a result, many companies that had over-hired for new projects, including mine, let people go. The reason I was given was that I was not exactly what they wanted and I was incompetent for the job assigned. Bull! Since Sept, I was beginning to question the legitimacy of the company and of its owner. I mean what kind of an idiot has you fill out required paperwork to see just exactly what assets you own? Apparently I had nothing he wanted and he let me go. In retrospect it was a good idea to leave that job. At the time however, I thought I had created a false Stone and everything was falling apart at the seams. I was beginning to panic and regret even attempting the experiment. But what I did not see at the time was that the Stone was still transmuting my life in subtle ways, showing me what needed to be shown. It was through working at that Tech company downtown that a co-worker would give me a job lead. One that would give me the foundation I needed.
November 2008 - Enter the Jones Boys
In the middle of November, about 3 weeks into my unemployment, so short as to not have even claimed a cent of it, I was offered a position by Mr. Jones at his Real Estate company. The work was pretty much the same as it was for the other company, but for a smaller company that was family owned. It was shaky at first, but I began to expand my knowledge of PHP and Javascript. Mr. Jones was quite particular and a perfectionist and yes I would screw up every now and then, but for some reason known only to him, he never fired me. This was a great boost to my confidence and I would learn more as time went on. I would learn so much from Josh, my co-worker and all the little tricks behind coding. It was not a perfect situation and there would be ups and downs, but I think the 2 1/2 years I worked with them was the best experience I could have asked for.
2009 The Rebirth of an Alchemist
If 2007 was the Black Phase, in which the operation begins by removing the dark matter within, then 2008 was the White Phase wherein I was being lifted rather quickly to the realms above. Indeed it did feel very euphoric. That is until the transmutation began to move into the Red phase and that would sum up 2009. The Red Phase is reintegration. That which was false was seen for what it was and laid to the wayside. I would then reintegrate that which was true within me once more.
Early that year I would continue to work with the Jones' and see a new President inaugurated. We would then be moving to a smaller office to cut corners. Every day with that company I knew could be my last, since it was Real Estate after all. I learned how tenacious Mr. Jones can be.
Raven and I would be invited to the wiccan circle on post at Ft. Bragg. It was the first major pagan community since Florida we were associated with. It was also our first time ever on a military base. I would continue the networking of military people through my gaming activities at the Hobbit. Soon I was visiting with people on base like it was another town. I even did a class on basic alchemy for them. It was awesome!
The base on circle was good, but not exactly what we were looking for, as time went on we found that gas was getting more expensive and we started to look for closer alternatives. It would not be until after Dark Rune pulled his shop out that Raven would join with another.
Oh yes! The shops that sprang up last year would change or completely disappear in 2009, once again thanks to the crash of '08. Actually, I saw some of the magickal warfare that was going on, while leaving myself out of it. The "Dark One" and the "New One" went at it. But the new one did not have a strong foundation and soon her shop was closed all the time. She did people wrong and soon that shop, the largest ever in that flea market, would disappear. Mind you, I was beginning to question the owner as she considered me a newbie to magick. Of course I never did show anyone at that time what I had done and what I had been doing.
Soon only the Dark One and Silver Stars remained. But then another shop would come by. Silver Sisters moved in shortly after Talisen's shop left and then soon Dark Alcove would leave. The original owner of Silver Stars eventually left due to personal issues and left the shop to the co-owner, who would then become part of our new coven.
Late in the year Raven would join up with Silver Stars for doing card readings and consignments. The owner and her daughter combined with Raven and I formed a new "group". First it was a pagan meetup group at the coffee shop, eventually the inner circle became a new coven. Come to find out most of the members that joined in this coven were once part of the original Silver Star's owner's group back in the day. Once again Raven had picked up strays. I tried to get other people in the group as well, but sadly they ended up being "incompatible". I decided to let Raven handle it and became contempt to stand in the sidelines. However my guided meditations became a hit with the group. There was a bit of a squabble that ended in people not liking each other and with me thrown in the middle of it. In the end, those two stopped showing up entirely and it was quite frankly better for all concerned. I was not getting into yet another witch-war. I have bigger and better fish to fry now. This "incident" happened right around the holidays and would trickle into the 2010 year.
For a while we were having meetups at a coffee house called Xtasy Ice Cafe. The most awesome shop I knew. Once a month we would hold a "stitch and bitch" to generally combat the one the "J-dites" had. It would be through this that I would meet Faerybliss, daughter of some witches that have been around this town for years. And though her would I cross paths with someone I had not seen in 14 years. But before all that, Raven would fall ill.
2010 - Year of Changes both Great and Terrible.
April 2010
The same date that the oil rig in the Gulf exploded and gushed millions of gallons of crude into the water, Raven would fall ill and be sent to the hospital. She had been coughing quite a bit since the winter and we thought she had walking pneumonia exacerbated by her smoking. Sadly we found out that she had a heart condition. Congestive Heart Failure, although they called it "mild". Needless to say I was devastated by this. Once again I was put into a relationship with someone who was chronically ill. Of course Raven took it all in stride while I was the once freaking out. I had a feeling that this may have not been a natural occurrence. Why would she just get hit with heart failure like that? I had to look into the aether once more and make absolutely sure.
I hate it when I am right...
Raven was hit magickaly. Somehow someone had used her great heart against her. I had a number of suspects, but it didn't matter. Each one of them would feel retribution, and by 2011, they all did, but that story is to come up later.
As I said, I could feel that Raven was hit by a magickal attack. I did what I knew would help, based on alchemy and hermetic science. I help speed her recovery and so did the many hearts that Raven had touched before this began. A shining field of love enveloped her and everyone who visited her in the hospital could see it. She even looked like she did before she went in. I truly believed she was cured. Yes, my Raven was cured of the magickal ills, but the damage to her body would be permanent. I felt as if I lost part of her that day. Now she can never become the golden one, as the transition into that level of reality may become too great for her body to cope with now. The shock of that level of transmutation would definitely kill her, or so that is how I believe it to be. Nevermind the "lifestyle changes" she had to make for her heart. When did we become old?
Life continued in 2010. Raven survives, I continued to do my work with the Jones' and the coven continued to grow. It was almost like it was back home. And then I would meet someone from my past. Bri.
I knew Bri since I was living with Raven's cousin. She was only a teen in those days. We met at the Xtasy Cafe during one of our meetups and I just had to ask since I saw her FB profile, if she was the one who ran the Vampire LARP back at Crane's Roost in 1996. Sure enough, it was her.
Through Bri I reconnected with my past, but also bolstered my future. Bri lives on the property of a wealthy, tho eccentric, matron of the town who has various pagan evens on the property. My father had managed to attend one of these gatherings back in '07. Now it was my turn to experience this and also add more persons in the local community to my network. it was on her birthday that I got to go to the property for the first time. It was awesome, even if it wasn't a pagan gathering.
Enter the Masons
In May of 2010 I received an email via witchvox. The mail simply stated that the sender represented a small group of a half dozen men who get together and have a dinner once a month and discuss various esoteric subjects. He saw my profile on wtichvox and thought if I would like to be their guest speaker. In no way did he ever imply in the message who or what he was, but somehow I knew that it had to be from an esoteric order. I even had a memory in my subconscious that swears I've seen a group like this mentioned on witchvox. Could it have been a precognition? What had the Stone done this time? Have this order finally found me? Are they Masons? Yes. I suspected they were Freemasons even before I found out. In my mind as I read the email I was saying that "they have found me." Imagine my astonishment when I did a Google look-up on the guy who emailed me and found out he was indeed a Mason, and from the same lodge I had walked past a dozen times before downtown. Truly this had to be the work of the Stone.
I met with the man at the local coffee shop, the very same one in which the "Dark One" held her little gatherings and on the same evening. Yes she was there, but we ignored each other, or I at least her. As I met with the man he told me that all they wanted was someone to talk about alchemy and other esoterica over diner which would be at a fine dining restaurant, their treat. I was overwhelmed by this. I had never, ever been approached as an "expert" in anything before. Other than from witchvox, how else could this man even know about me. Was this the work of the Philosopher's Stone? For I had only done one class on alchemy before and that was on post. Had my reputation preceded me? There was no logical way. I never announced or proclaimed my skill that greatly. Perhaps I was overreacting at the time.
The dinner was very nice and while I felt intimidated at first, I opened up little by little. I had the first 3 chapters of my written alchemy lessons from when I was still in Florida, and years before the Stone experiment. But I forgot that I had mentioned Freemasonry in those notes, specifically about the corn, oil, and wine (the wages of a Freemason) being related to the philosophic salt, sulfur, and mercury. It was this kind of thing they were looking for, someone to show them what the symbols meant, for apparently there are those who want to bring that understanding back to the order. I was honored to be in the presence of like minds that night, and while they were quick to point out that this was not a Masonic event of any kind and they were not allowed to "recruit", I began to debate within myself if I wanted to be a part of that order. "What could I learn from them? What keys do they hold? These guys are based in alchemy, but most don't even know it! Would I benefit? Could I exchange my knowledge?" Many such thoughts ran through my head.
For the remainder of the summer, the thoughts of the masons and the dinner ran through my head. I was contacted by the man who set up the dinner sometime before October. At that time I believe I and Raven had just been to our first event on the property I mentioned earlier, thanks to Bri. things were looking up, finally. We were planning a major event for Samhain at our house and I had invited the man who invited me to that dinner, her invited two more from his order. That was it. I needed no more convincing. I was going to ask to be a Mason on Samhain.
Samhain 2010 was impressive. Raven managed to be part of the first ever Zombie walk. We went to a Halloween party, the first time in 4 years. and we had our coven open Samhain, must have had 15+ people, including representatives of both Silver Stars and Silver Sisters. It was a blast. It was on that night after everything that I "asked 1 2b 1". The petition was done in November and then began the lengthy process of waiting for it to be announced to the lodge, me being interviewed and reviewed and then voted on. This entire thing would continue into the next year. Oh the hopes and the fears. The thoughts of being with people of like mind and the possibilities.
To be continued in 2011 - The Year of Weirdness
We left off at about September of 2008, when I had honestly believed I had formulated the Philosopher's Stone from at least a personal and spiritual standpoint. Various things that I had wanted to return were returning. Things requiring change were changing. Let us recap for a bit.
July - Left Wal-Mart hopefully for good and was offered a tech job in Downtown Fayetteville.
August - Settling in with said tech job and learning the ropes. I quickly saw that my skills, my foundation, was shaky after being outside the box, even with the college training I had 4 years prior.
September - The waters returned to Hope Mills Lake and it felt as if the energies were in balance once more. Pagan shops sprang up like wildflowers to oppose the "Dark One's" store, and all of them in the same Flea Market. Raven began working with a store owned by the one called Rune in the previous chapter. We also got involved with more local pagans through Silver Stars and a newcomer store (Talisen). I felt a strong connection with the owner of the newer store and even joined her meetup group. Sadly, once again all was not as it appeared.
As time went on, while good things were starting and I could see the alchemical reactions forming, something inside told me that something was wrong. The foundation of the Stone's formulation was based on shaky physics and dodgy theory and more importantly inexperience. Things were not as they appeared and soon the reaction that started began to crumble.
October 2008
The market crash that lead to the Great Recession begins. As a result, many companies that had over-hired for new projects, including mine, let people go. The reason I was given was that I was not exactly what they wanted and I was incompetent for the job assigned. Bull! Since Sept, I was beginning to question the legitimacy of the company and of its owner. I mean what kind of an idiot has you fill out required paperwork to see just exactly what assets you own? Apparently I had nothing he wanted and he let me go. In retrospect it was a good idea to leave that job. At the time however, I thought I had created a false Stone and everything was falling apart at the seams. I was beginning to panic and regret even attempting the experiment. But what I did not see at the time was that the Stone was still transmuting my life in subtle ways, showing me what needed to be shown. It was through working at that Tech company downtown that a co-worker would give me a job lead. One that would give me the foundation I needed.
November 2008 - Enter the Jones Boys
In the middle of November, about 3 weeks into my unemployment, so short as to not have even claimed a cent of it, I was offered a position by Mr. Jones at his Real Estate company. The work was pretty much the same as it was for the other company, but for a smaller company that was family owned. It was shaky at first, but I began to expand my knowledge of PHP and Javascript. Mr. Jones was quite particular and a perfectionist and yes I would screw up every now and then, but for some reason known only to him, he never fired me. This was a great boost to my confidence and I would learn more as time went on. I would learn so much from Josh, my co-worker and all the little tricks behind coding. It was not a perfect situation and there would be ups and downs, but I think the 2 1/2 years I worked with them was the best experience I could have asked for.
2009 The Rebirth of an Alchemist
If 2007 was the Black Phase, in which the operation begins by removing the dark matter within, then 2008 was the White Phase wherein I was being lifted rather quickly to the realms above. Indeed it did feel very euphoric. That is until the transmutation began to move into the Red phase and that would sum up 2009. The Red Phase is reintegration. That which was false was seen for what it was and laid to the wayside. I would then reintegrate that which was true within me once more.
Early that year I would continue to work with the Jones' and see a new President inaugurated. We would then be moving to a smaller office to cut corners. Every day with that company I knew could be my last, since it was Real Estate after all. I learned how tenacious Mr. Jones can be.
Raven and I would be invited to the wiccan circle on post at Ft. Bragg. It was the first major pagan community since Florida we were associated with. It was also our first time ever on a military base. I would continue the networking of military people through my gaming activities at the Hobbit. Soon I was visiting with people on base like it was another town. I even did a class on basic alchemy for them. It was awesome!
The base on circle was good, but not exactly what we were looking for, as time went on we found that gas was getting more expensive and we started to look for closer alternatives. It would not be until after Dark Rune pulled his shop out that Raven would join with another.
Oh yes! The shops that sprang up last year would change or completely disappear in 2009, once again thanks to the crash of '08. Actually, I saw some of the magickal warfare that was going on, while leaving myself out of it. The "Dark One" and the "New One" went at it. But the new one did not have a strong foundation and soon her shop was closed all the time. She did people wrong and soon that shop, the largest ever in that flea market, would disappear. Mind you, I was beginning to question the owner as she considered me a newbie to magick. Of course I never did show anyone at that time what I had done and what I had been doing.
Soon only the Dark One and Silver Stars remained. But then another shop would come by. Silver Sisters moved in shortly after Talisen's shop left and then soon Dark Alcove would leave. The original owner of Silver Stars eventually left due to personal issues and left the shop to the co-owner, who would then become part of our new coven.
Late in the year Raven would join up with Silver Stars for doing card readings and consignments. The owner and her daughter combined with Raven and I formed a new "group". First it was a pagan meetup group at the coffee shop, eventually the inner circle became a new coven. Come to find out most of the members that joined in this coven were once part of the original Silver Star's owner's group back in the day. Once again Raven had picked up strays. I tried to get other people in the group as well, but sadly they ended up being "incompatible". I decided to let Raven handle it and became contempt to stand in the sidelines. However my guided meditations became a hit with the group. There was a bit of a squabble that ended in people not liking each other and with me thrown in the middle of it. In the end, those two stopped showing up entirely and it was quite frankly better for all concerned. I was not getting into yet another witch-war. I have bigger and better fish to fry now. This "incident" happened right around the holidays and would trickle into the 2010 year.
For a while we were having meetups at a coffee house called Xtasy Ice Cafe. The most awesome shop I knew. Once a month we would hold a "stitch and bitch" to generally combat the one the "J-dites" had. It would be through this that I would meet Faerybliss, daughter of some witches that have been around this town for years. And though her would I cross paths with someone I had not seen in 14 years. But before all that, Raven would fall ill.
2010 - Year of Changes both Great and Terrible.
April 2010
The same date that the oil rig in the Gulf exploded and gushed millions of gallons of crude into the water, Raven would fall ill and be sent to the hospital. She had been coughing quite a bit since the winter and we thought she had walking pneumonia exacerbated by her smoking. Sadly we found out that she had a heart condition. Congestive Heart Failure, although they called it "mild". Needless to say I was devastated by this. Once again I was put into a relationship with someone who was chronically ill. Of course Raven took it all in stride while I was the once freaking out. I had a feeling that this may have not been a natural occurrence. Why would she just get hit with heart failure like that? I had to look into the aether once more and make absolutely sure.
I hate it when I am right...
Raven was hit magickaly. Somehow someone had used her great heart against her. I had a number of suspects, but it didn't matter. Each one of them would feel retribution, and by 2011, they all did, but that story is to come up later.
As I said, I could feel that Raven was hit by a magickal attack. I did what I knew would help, based on alchemy and hermetic science. I help speed her recovery and so did the many hearts that Raven had touched before this began. A shining field of love enveloped her and everyone who visited her in the hospital could see it. She even looked like she did before she went in. I truly believed she was cured. Yes, my Raven was cured of the magickal ills, but the damage to her body would be permanent. I felt as if I lost part of her that day. Now she can never become the golden one, as the transition into that level of reality may become too great for her body to cope with now. The shock of that level of transmutation would definitely kill her, or so that is how I believe it to be. Nevermind the "lifestyle changes" she had to make for her heart. When did we become old?
Life continued in 2010. Raven survives, I continued to do my work with the Jones' and the coven continued to grow. It was almost like it was back home. And then I would meet someone from my past. Bri.
I knew Bri since I was living with Raven's cousin. She was only a teen in those days. We met at the Xtasy Cafe during one of our meetups and I just had to ask since I saw her FB profile, if she was the one who ran the Vampire LARP back at Crane's Roost in 1996. Sure enough, it was her.
Through Bri I reconnected with my past, but also bolstered my future. Bri lives on the property of a wealthy, tho eccentric, matron of the town who has various pagan evens on the property. My father had managed to attend one of these gatherings back in '07. Now it was my turn to experience this and also add more persons in the local community to my network. it was on her birthday that I got to go to the property for the first time. It was awesome, even if it wasn't a pagan gathering.
Enter the Masons
In May of 2010 I received an email via witchvox. The mail simply stated that the sender represented a small group of a half dozen men who get together and have a dinner once a month and discuss various esoteric subjects. He saw my profile on wtichvox and thought if I would like to be their guest speaker. In no way did he ever imply in the message who or what he was, but somehow I knew that it had to be from an esoteric order. I even had a memory in my subconscious that swears I've seen a group like this mentioned on witchvox. Could it have been a precognition? What had the Stone done this time? Have this order finally found me? Are they Masons? Yes. I suspected they were Freemasons even before I found out. In my mind as I read the email I was saying that "they have found me." Imagine my astonishment when I did a Google look-up on the guy who emailed me and found out he was indeed a Mason, and from the same lodge I had walked past a dozen times before downtown. Truly this had to be the work of the Stone.
I met with the man at the local coffee shop, the very same one in which the "Dark One" held her little gatherings and on the same evening. Yes she was there, but we ignored each other, or I at least her. As I met with the man he told me that all they wanted was someone to talk about alchemy and other esoterica over diner which would be at a fine dining restaurant, their treat. I was overwhelmed by this. I had never, ever been approached as an "expert" in anything before. Other than from witchvox, how else could this man even know about me. Was this the work of the Philosopher's Stone? For I had only done one class on alchemy before and that was on post. Had my reputation preceded me? There was no logical way. I never announced or proclaimed my skill that greatly. Perhaps I was overreacting at the time.
The dinner was very nice and while I felt intimidated at first, I opened up little by little. I had the first 3 chapters of my written alchemy lessons from when I was still in Florida, and years before the Stone experiment. But I forgot that I had mentioned Freemasonry in those notes, specifically about the corn, oil, and wine (the wages of a Freemason) being related to the philosophic salt, sulfur, and mercury. It was this kind of thing they were looking for, someone to show them what the symbols meant, for apparently there are those who want to bring that understanding back to the order. I was honored to be in the presence of like minds that night, and while they were quick to point out that this was not a Masonic event of any kind and they were not allowed to "recruit", I began to debate within myself if I wanted to be a part of that order. "What could I learn from them? What keys do they hold? These guys are based in alchemy, but most don't even know it! Would I benefit? Could I exchange my knowledge?" Many such thoughts ran through my head.
For the remainder of the summer, the thoughts of the masons and the dinner ran through my head. I was contacted by the man who set up the dinner sometime before October. At that time I believe I and Raven had just been to our first event on the property I mentioned earlier, thanks to Bri. things were looking up, finally. We were planning a major event for Samhain at our house and I had invited the man who invited me to that dinner, her invited two more from his order. That was it. I needed no more convincing. I was going to ask to be a Mason on Samhain.
Samhain 2010 was impressive. Raven managed to be part of the first ever Zombie walk. We went to a Halloween party, the first time in 4 years. and we had our coven open Samhain, must have had 15+ people, including representatives of both Silver Stars and Silver Sisters. It was a blast. It was on that night after everything that I "asked 1 2b 1". The petition was done in November and then began the lengthy process of waiting for it to be announced to the lodge, me being interviewed and reviewed and then voted on. This entire thing would continue into the next year. Oh the hopes and the fears. The thoughts of being with people of like mind and the possibilities.
To be continued in 2011 - The Year of Weirdness
Introducing Arcanus Tempestas Greywolf - Part the Fourth
Middle 2000s - Quest for the Philosopher's Stone
"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is Alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth."
- Alphonse Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist
In the middle 2000s, I became quite an anime nut thanks to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. Cowboy Bebop, Outlaw Star, and of course Wolf's Rain. Wolves who could do a form a glamor and appear as humans? Anime rocks.
But in 2004 anime wasn't the only weird stuff that I was watching. That year I saw 3 hurricanes criss-cross the state of Florida, and I danced in the eye of one. My sensei Bob, who had just broken up with his lady, ended up becoming a roommate of Me, my Wife and Roy. He challenged me to go in the middle of the storm and truly feel it. I did as he asked. I went out into the stinging rain and truly went to feel the storm. I opened up myself to it and went into the meta-state of a clear mind. I felt a fury even more intense than a full therian mental shift. The absolute fury, the power, the knowledge of existing simply to exist. You are a force of nature, no mind, no worries of economics, politics, or hunger. You simply exist and ride the fluid that is the atmosphere. THIS was the burning rage I felt within. The wolf was but one aspect of myself, the storm was another. Rage without, and the calm quiet within. I was then Arcanus TEMPESTAS Greywolf. The Wolf of Storms!
The middle 2000s saw me become more attune with my inner power. Knowing what a thing is is the first step in learning how to manipulate, or transmute it. I was already into alchemy before the best anime ever caught my eye. That of course was Fullmetal Alchemist. These guys really did their homework on this. It is a fanciful tale of a world where alchemy is a real science. Alchemists actually do read the code of an object, break it down and reform it, and simply by drawing a transmutation circle about it, which look very much like sigils and seals from Solomon's Grimoires. Anyway I encourage people to go out and see it for themselves. Good story, and like all stories, one with a lesson. A lesson that would even affect a 30-something year old werewolf-magickian.
2005 - September We move to Eustis and shortly afterwards the worst hurricane in history hits New Orleans. Katrina. Having experienced the 2004 hurricanes I could feel what Katrina was doing and the fact came over me that this storm was not natural. As a matter of fact I felt that the 2004 hurricanes and even the Tsunami were not natural as well. Someone was fraking with magick was what came out of my mouth. I know many would say I'm insane or event that I'm just reading too many conspiracy theories but think about it. I've be at this thing since my teens and I understand how magick, alchemy, whatever you want to call it, works. A terrible thought had crossed my mind. If you had a power that nobody could trace back to you, that nobody would believe is humanly possible, would you use that as a weapon. My distrust of humanity told me yes, they would. Now what if a terrorist had that ability? Now what if our own GOVERNMENT had that ability. We all know that remote viewing was a real applied science used in secret spying. Who's to say there haven't been agencies researching magick or psionics? We know this stuff has been going on since WWII. Who's to say? Indeed.
In any case I felt something was drastically wrong with the earth and that humanity was tapping into something they had no business tapping into. This could only spell disaster.
2006 - We leave the old coven behind. The fractured coven of 2004 actually got back together and reformed itself like the Phoenix. Mostly because they did it without me. I was so proud of those who remained and made it work. But we decided that it was time for a change, we moved to North Carolina. The reason? I thought I could find other therians and complete my search for the Stone there.
Fayetteville. November 2006. We find one small shop in the Flea Market. It seemed all well and good, but there was something wrong about it. I was no stranger to the dark side and knew it well so it did not affect me. At first we thought it was the only thing, so we stayed with it. I will admit, there was something oddly familiar about it, something from my past...
At Wal-Mart I knew someone for some time and never knew she was connected to the pagan community, until I did a search and found an old meetup group. She was on it. I emailed her and we talked the next day at work. She herself was not a witch or pagan, but her boyfriend was. This is when I got involved with Rune of the Dark Alcove. We met at the old Cross Creek mall and it was like we knew each other immediately. So much in common. While I have felt rage and pain, it was nothing to what I could sense in Rune. He was betrayed and hurt in a way I have never experienced. He reminded me a bit of old Bob. He then told me that the people at the shop we were going were not what they appeared, in fact they were necromancers and dark arts practitioners. A wave of rage came over me. I had nearly been fooled again. Nearly brought into a dark web of deceit and lies and betrayal. But still I was now caught again in another damned fight, but this time I launched a pre-emptive magickal strike of my own. I did my "Sever the Black Tendrils" ritual and had my wolves track down the source. What I discovered was something more powerful than I ever experienced. No less than 13 individuals were involved in the binding. The tendrils would come back like cutting the heads off of a hydra, the wolf was not enough, I had to show them what real power was. I had to become the storm.
BOOM!
Yes I got rid of the nasties, but there is a reason why I posted that bit about equivalent exchange at the beginning. You see I paid a price. That price was loosing my car. For 9 months I had to bum rides to work or walk. An experience I do not wish to repeat. That was most of 2007. Yes I know it may well have been my stupidity in not preparing for the worst and having my car serviced and maintained properly and nothing magickal, but you never know with things like this. In any case I know my cousin and her husband and father-in-law are on Myspace and I only want to thank them for helping me through a rough time and putting up with me when I was without a vehicle.
All this time I was still pursuing alchemy. Reading up on astrology, the permutations of the Name of God "YHVH" and finding out that not only could you evoke elements and planetary forces, but the astrological signs were in fact Alchemic Processes! The permutations of YHVH were the key to unlocking that power. At last! I had the key to deciphering alchemy. Astrology, Kabalah, Golden Dawn ritual and everything I had ever learned about magick an the occult finally were coming all together, the prices finally fit!
Sadly in April of this year, I would say goodby to my old master. The one who first made me aware of what and who I truly am. Robert James Rush. May he party with Bacchus as he always did.
Brother Dark Rune helped me to obtain a vehicle in 2008, it was the beginning of recovery for me. My alchemy knowledge was growing day by day. In May of this year, during a Mercury Retrograde, I performed a ritual which was intended to "Capture the Volitile". At about the same time, my counterpart created a planetary talisman. What we did was truly significant.
"The Philosophers' Stone: those who possess it, no longer bound by the laws of Equivalent Exchange in Alchemy, may gain without sacrifice, create without equal exchange. We searched for it, and we found it." - Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist. Upon finding the Philosopher's Stone
I truly believe these events in some way helped to create a Philosopher's Stone. Not a physical red dtone that grants eternal life, but a spiritual awakening and what is more, all that I have quested for, all that which was lost due to folly and deceit, all that what once was mine has returned.
July 2008 - I regained a tech job and left Wal-Mart for good.
August 2008 - We have found the true pagan community and have involved ourselves in it. What is more, I am gaming again and with Traveller.
September 2008
The waters have returned to Hope Mills Lake
The dark cloud that has been over this town for so long is lifting
More Pagan stores have opened in the Flea Market
Now I am not as egotistical or foolish enough to think I was the only hand in all the change that had happened, that's just plain silly. But I may have done something at the right time. Perhaps that negative cloud was rising before I performed my ritual and that was just enough for it to come through the astral.
There is a big however though. What I have gained may not be exactly what I had before. The job I received is not the IIA. I am monitored closely and have to deal with 8 others in an open room with me so everyone can see what the other is doing. We are a team and we work for someone else, just like Wal-Mart so what I have a fusion of the old and new, how very alchemical. But as any good alchemist you make due with what you have and transmute it to your needs. As a result, I have taken steps never to have a car break down again, I managed to secure a card so I can use that for emergencies. Never before have I thought I could have credit, now I do. I take this as a partial victory.
Still I understand the nature of the Philosopher's Stone and know what true power is. The sun is a manifestation of the Stone, transmuting hydrogen into helium and energy. In turn that gets transmuted into many other elements and great energy. How many stars are there in the galaxy, the universe? That energy permeates everything in the universe, molds it, shapes it, and transmutes it. THAT is POWER!
"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is Alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth. But the world isn't perfect, and the law is incomplete. Equivalent Exchange doesn't encompass everything that goes on here, but I still choose to believe in its principle: that all things do come at a price, that there's an ebb and a flow, a cycle, that the pain we went through did have a reward, and that anyone who's determined and perseveres will get something of value in return, even if it's not what they expected."
- Alphonse Elric, at the end of the Fullmetal Alchemist series
And there is the lesson that was learned. 30 years of going though it, still going through it, still learning, still doing.
But now I understand. Better to have learned the lesson in 30 years, than to have not learned it at all.
"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is Alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth."
- Alphonse Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist
In the middle 2000s, I became quite an anime nut thanks to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. Cowboy Bebop, Outlaw Star, and of course Wolf's Rain. Wolves who could do a form a glamor and appear as humans? Anime rocks.
But in 2004 anime wasn't the only weird stuff that I was watching. That year I saw 3 hurricanes criss-cross the state of Florida, and I danced in the eye of one. My sensei Bob, who had just broken up with his lady, ended up becoming a roommate of Me, my Wife and Roy. He challenged me to go in the middle of the storm and truly feel it. I did as he asked. I went out into the stinging rain and truly went to feel the storm. I opened up myself to it and went into the meta-state of a clear mind. I felt a fury even more intense than a full therian mental shift. The absolute fury, the power, the knowledge of existing simply to exist. You are a force of nature, no mind, no worries of economics, politics, or hunger. You simply exist and ride the fluid that is the atmosphere. THIS was the burning rage I felt within. The wolf was but one aspect of myself, the storm was another. Rage without, and the calm quiet within. I was then Arcanus TEMPESTAS Greywolf. The Wolf of Storms!
The middle 2000s saw me become more attune with my inner power. Knowing what a thing is is the first step in learning how to manipulate, or transmute it. I was already into alchemy before the best anime ever caught my eye. That of course was Fullmetal Alchemist. These guys really did their homework on this. It is a fanciful tale of a world where alchemy is a real science. Alchemists actually do read the code of an object, break it down and reform it, and simply by drawing a transmutation circle about it, which look very much like sigils and seals from Solomon's Grimoires. Anyway I encourage people to go out and see it for themselves. Good story, and like all stories, one with a lesson. A lesson that would even affect a 30-something year old werewolf-magickian.
2005 - September We move to Eustis and shortly afterwards the worst hurricane in history hits New Orleans. Katrina. Having experienced the 2004 hurricanes I could feel what Katrina was doing and the fact came over me that this storm was not natural. As a matter of fact I felt that the 2004 hurricanes and even the Tsunami were not natural as well. Someone was fraking with magick was what came out of my mouth. I know many would say I'm insane or event that I'm just reading too many conspiracy theories but think about it. I've be at this thing since my teens and I understand how magick, alchemy, whatever you want to call it, works. A terrible thought had crossed my mind. If you had a power that nobody could trace back to you, that nobody would believe is humanly possible, would you use that as a weapon. My distrust of humanity told me yes, they would. Now what if a terrorist had that ability? Now what if our own GOVERNMENT had that ability. We all know that remote viewing was a real applied science used in secret spying. Who's to say there haven't been agencies researching magick or psionics? We know this stuff has been going on since WWII. Who's to say? Indeed.
In any case I felt something was drastically wrong with the earth and that humanity was tapping into something they had no business tapping into. This could only spell disaster.
2006 - We leave the old coven behind. The fractured coven of 2004 actually got back together and reformed itself like the Phoenix. Mostly because they did it without me. I was so proud of those who remained and made it work. But we decided that it was time for a change, we moved to North Carolina. The reason? I thought I could find other therians and complete my search for the Stone there.
Fayetteville. November 2006. We find one small shop in the Flea Market. It seemed all well and good, but there was something wrong about it. I was no stranger to the dark side and knew it well so it did not affect me. At first we thought it was the only thing, so we stayed with it. I will admit, there was something oddly familiar about it, something from my past...
At Wal-Mart I knew someone for some time and never knew she was connected to the pagan community, until I did a search and found an old meetup group. She was on it. I emailed her and we talked the next day at work. She herself was not a witch or pagan, but her boyfriend was. This is when I got involved with Rune of the Dark Alcove. We met at the old Cross Creek mall and it was like we knew each other immediately. So much in common. While I have felt rage and pain, it was nothing to what I could sense in Rune. He was betrayed and hurt in a way I have never experienced. He reminded me a bit of old Bob. He then told me that the people at the shop we were going were not what they appeared, in fact they were necromancers and dark arts practitioners. A wave of rage came over me. I had nearly been fooled again. Nearly brought into a dark web of deceit and lies and betrayal. But still I was now caught again in another damned fight, but this time I launched a pre-emptive magickal strike of my own. I did my "Sever the Black Tendrils" ritual and had my wolves track down the source. What I discovered was something more powerful than I ever experienced. No less than 13 individuals were involved in the binding. The tendrils would come back like cutting the heads off of a hydra, the wolf was not enough, I had to show them what real power was. I had to become the storm.
BOOM!
Yes I got rid of the nasties, but there is a reason why I posted that bit about equivalent exchange at the beginning. You see I paid a price. That price was loosing my car. For 9 months I had to bum rides to work or walk. An experience I do not wish to repeat. That was most of 2007. Yes I know it may well have been my stupidity in not preparing for the worst and having my car serviced and maintained properly and nothing magickal, but you never know with things like this. In any case I know my cousin and her husband and father-in-law are on Myspace and I only want to thank them for helping me through a rough time and putting up with me when I was without a vehicle.
All this time I was still pursuing alchemy. Reading up on astrology, the permutations of the Name of God "YHVH" and finding out that not only could you evoke elements and planetary forces, but the astrological signs were in fact Alchemic Processes! The permutations of YHVH were the key to unlocking that power. At last! I had the key to deciphering alchemy. Astrology, Kabalah, Golden Dawn ritual and everything I had ever learned about magick an the occult finally were coming all together, the prices finally fit!
Sadly in April of this year, I would say goodby to my old master. The one who first made me aware of what and who I truly am. Robert James Rush. May he party with Bacchus as he always did.
Brother Dark Rune helped me to obtain a vehicle in 2008, it was the beginning of recovery for me. My alchemy knowledge was growing day by day. In May of this year, during a Mercury Retrograde, I performed a ritual which was intended to "Capture the Volitile". At about the same time, my counterpart created a planetary talisman. What we did was truly significant.
"The Philosophers' Stone: those who possess it, no longer bound by the laws of Equivalent Exchange in Alchemy, may gain without sacrifice, create without equal exchange. We searched for it, and we found it." - Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist. Upon finding the Philosopher's Stone
I truly believe these events in some way helped to create a Philosopher's Stone. Not a physical red dtone that grants eternal life, but a spiritual awakening and what is more, all that I have quested for, all that which was lost due to folly and deceit, all that what once was mine has returned.
July 2008 - I regained a tech job and left Wal-Mart for good.
August 2008 - We have found the true pagan community and have involved ourselves in it. What is more, I am gaming again and with Traveller.
September 2008
The waters have returned to Hope Mills Lake
The dark cloud that has been over this town for so long is lifting
More Pagan stores have opened in the Flea Market
Now I am not as egotistical or foolish enough to think I was the only hand in all the change that had happened, that's just plain silly. But I may have done something at the right time. Perhaps that negative cloud was rising before I performed my ritual and that was just enough for it to come through the astral.
There is a big however though. What I have gained may not be exactly what I had before. The job I received is not the IIA. I am monitored closely and have to deal with 8 others in an open room with me so everyone can see what the other is doing. We are a team and we work for someone else, just like Wal-Mart so what I have a fusion of the old and new, how very alchemical. But as any good alchemist you make due with what you have and transmute it to your needs. As a result, I have taken steps never to have a car break down again, I managed to secure a card so I can use that for emergencies. Never before have I thought I could have credit, now I do. I take this as a partial victory.
Still I understand the nature of the Philosopher's Stone and know what true power is. The sun is a manifestation of the Stone, transmuting hydrogen into helium and energy. In turn that gets transmuted into many other elements and great energy. How many stars are there in the galaxy, the universe? That energy permeates everything in the universe, molds it, shapes it, and transmutes it. THAT is POWER!
"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is Alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth. But the world isn't perfect, and the law is incomplete. Equivalent Exchange doesn't encompass everything that goes on here, but I still choose to believe in its principle: that all things do come at a price, that there's an ebb and a flow, a cycle, that the pain we went through did have a reward, and that anyone who's determined and perseveres will get something of value in return, even if it's not what they expected."
- Alphonse Elric, at the end of the Fullmetal Alchemist series
And there is the lesson that was learned. 30 years of going though it, still going through it, still learning, still doing.
But now I understand. Better to have learned the lesson in 30 years, than to have not learned it at all.
Introducing Arcanus Tempestas Greywolf - Part the Third
The new millennium...
The year 2000 was a continuation of the joy of 1999. I got to travel and see the Grand Canyon. I went from a solitary to group practitioner by way of an Orlando pagan group. I still thought I had it made. I then made some foolish decisions. I tried to help people again and get involved in things I should have left alone. I became very good at the lesser banishing ritual and thought I could banish any negative force. I thought I could help people by doing ritual cleansings and banishing. I got involved with a couple who were not what they appeared to be. I also got involved in a wiccan group who on the surface seemed okay but had elements of the previous SCA witch was in it. I knew the people involved and thought the war was settled between Bob and this other witch that I didn't even think twice about it, I was over it by this time. Apparently the combination of this witch who was chastised legally by my master and the wrong choices would add up. Everything came to head in March of 2001 when I dared experiment with Chronomancy. That's right kids, uncle Arcanus played with time magick. Believe this to be codswallop if you wish, but I did go through with this magickal experiment, that much is true.
The ritual was simple. Create a circle of charged quartz crystal around me and intone the proper date astrologically. The effect was to be similar to the 'Quantum Leap' effect where I would astrally travel back in time to my past self. Part of this was due to the fact that I believed that the 'voice' and the deja-vu experiences were in fact due to myself doing this particular type of magick in the future. I felt I was magickaly experienced and knowledgeable enough to tackle something of this magnitude. I was wrong.
My equations were perfect. I had everything lined up correctly. The banishing rituals on the elemental and planetary scale were enacted. I even made sure I wrote notes in case there was temporary amnesia. Everything seemed perfect. At the time of the casting, everything was perfect. When I came out of the astral time-votrex everything seemed right, but I felt younger, and a bit confused. There was that amnesia effect I was expecting. I then thought that I may have switched places with my younger self, indeed I had. This was the law of exchange in action. While me age 30 was in the body of me age 16, age 16 me was displaced in my age 30 body. Even after the ritual and we were back where we needed to be, it was incomplete pieces of my 30 year old self were stuck back in 1986 and vice-versa, eventually all would straighten itself out, but not in time. This is where I seriously fraked up magickaly. Work became confusing due to having to retrieve memories. I did not take things a seriously as an adult would have. I am still not sure if this was the cause of me loosing the best job I ever had, nonetheless I did loose it.
After loosing my tech job that paid 35K a year, and the fact that I was only a month away from full vestiture of my 401K really torqued me off. The young kid that was still in me disappeared, and the angry dark wolf came back to the surface. I would stay in my room and not do a damned thing except to call the state and let them know I was still looking for a job so I could collect unemployment. 6 months later I would be contacted by a Wiccan coven.
Sept 2001. I would hook up with the Moon Children of the Earth coven, led by Crystal Moon a 3rd degree wiccan High Priestess who was only a bit younger than me. The first meeting was general an Esbat and get together and everything seemed cool. I really liked this group and I felt at home in this, my first coven. Me and Crystal have the same ideas on teaching, book knowledge types. She knew I was without job and helped me to find one. Then next week happened...
9-11-01
A date that will live in infamy as much as 12-7-41 did before. Those towers falling only enraged me more than seeing the plane crash into them. I could not hold back the shift, the rage was too intense. I had to run to the backyard and howl. I knew this was it, we were going to be at war, I just knew it. This may be Raganarok or whatever you want to call it. The following weekend we went back to the coven-stead to talk about the 9-11 attacks. When it came my turn to share, I freaked out everyone. Last week where there was a happy puppy about to learn new stuff in a group, there now sat a dark and fearsome beast. I was in full shift, and far from happy. "To you sons of camel whores, we will hunt you, we will find you, and we will destroy you, that can be certain." My face was contorted, my eyes squinted and glowing with burning rage. The HPs and her maiden could see my astral form, my true form. Before them sat a wolf, ready to attack and unleash his fury upon all who betrayed him and wronged so many innocents. It was then an there when I knew that the wolf was not my totem, but I WAS the wolf!
After that fateful day I lost all hope for mankind and any hope for the future. I became a wanderer on a dark path. Although I was part of a coven, it didn't really matter. All I had to do to go through the degree system was take a test for 1st degree which I passed and go to an elevation ritual. A year and a day after that I would take my 2nd degree test, pass it and be elevated by the then Maiden of the coven. You see Crystal and her husband came apart and the coven fell into the maiden's hands. I was to become the High Priest and assist in the coven. At this time I was in and out of jobs so I had plenty of time to deal with the coven. I was foolish to try to take on responsibility when I was still trying to get over a major issue, unemployment, but what was I going to do, brood in front of my computer all day? Besides I had taken upon myself to become as powerful as I possibly could be, go through the ranks in the coven and learn true magick power so that I could correct the mistakes of the past and get back what was rightfully mine. Spring, the HPs of the new coven stepped down and before I knew it I was the one in charge. My way of running the coven was at first liaises-faire, do what thou wilt and all that. That attitude would have serious repercussions in the fact that no one would respect me. We were a wild and free coven but rituals were structured. It was all well and good until people wanted more. There were then debates and discussions, but never a full blown witch war. In the end they went with either a vote, or what I decided.
In 2004, I finally landed a permanent gig at Wal-Mart. And at that time work became my biggest priority. I simply could not direct a coven and work and go to school(even if it was online) at the same time. I tried to delegate authority, but then that led to politics. Who's first at being a first as it were. It held together until the day we lost the house that was our coven-stead. We were renting and the landlady sold it. So with no place to go, the coven debated on where to do anything. "I'm closer", "I'm more experienced" yaddah yaddah. It was the beginning of the end.
We moved from Sanford to Eustis FL and met up with a Wiccan 2nd degree who had been trained out west in a Gardenarian coven. I was intrigued by how Wicca was done the "Old School" way and I pretty much found out that my coven was little more than a pack of fluffy bunnies led by a ceremonial magickian. I brought her in and decided she should at least be 1st degree. Well this did not go over well with the rest of the group and a great schism was created. There were attacks on both ends and before I knew it I had a full fledged witch was on my hands. I ended it my way, which effectively meant telling everyone to screw themselves and going home. The coven was over. I gave all the coven stuff to whoever wanted it and washed my hands of the situation. No I was not liked by many people after that fact. But I did not care. I was now free to pursue the real magick I so desperately looked for. I knew that Wicca as it was with this group was not what I wanted. I also discovered what it was I truly am, a quick search on yahoo found the word "Therianthopy". I also learned that the key to the great code of the universe had been under my nose all along in the art of Alchemy. I then decided to pursue the Great Work and declare myself an Alchemist and Hermeticist.
The old coven would eventually pick up the pieces and reform anew like the great Pheonix. "Igne Natura Renovatur Integra", Through Fire is Nature Remade Whole.
This story is still not complete, the last chapter details how I actually discovered the Philosopher's Stone and set things back the way they should be, and the trials and tribulations therein.
Then again, an alchemist's story is never complete...
The year 2000 was a continuation of the joy of 1999. I got to travel and see the Grand Canyon. I went from a solitary to group practitioner by way of an Orlando pagan group. I still thought I had it made. I then made some foolish decisions. I tried to help people again and get involved in things I should have left alone. I became very good at the lesser banishing ritual and thought I could banish any negative force. I thought I could help people by doing ritual cleansings and banishing. I got involved with a couple who were not what they appeared to be. I also got involved in a wiccan group who on the surface seemed okay but had elements of the previous SCA witch was in it. I knew the people involved and thought the war was settled between Bob and this other witch that I didn't even think twice about it, I was over it by this time. Apparently the combination of this witch who was chastised legally by my master and the wrong choices would add up. Everything came to head in March of 2001 when I dared experiment with Chronomancy. That's right kids, uncle Arcanus played with time magick. Believe this to be codswallop if you wish, but I did go through with this magickal experiment, that much is true.
The ritual was simple. Create a circle of charged quartz crystal around me and intone the proper date astrologically. The effect was to be similar to the 'Quantum Leap' effect where I would astrally travel back in time to my past self. Part of this was due to the fact that I believed that the 'voice' and the deja-vu experiences were in fact due to myself doing this particular type of magick in the future. I felt I was magickaly experienced and knowledgeable enough to tackle something of this magnitude. I was wrong.
My equations were perfect. I had everything lined up correctly. The banishing rituals on the elemental and planetary scale were enacted. I even made sure I wrote notes in case there was temporary amnesia. Everything seemed perfect. At the time of the casting, everything was perfect. When I came out of the astral time-votrex everything seemed right, but I felt younger, and a bit confused. There was that amnesia effect I was expecting. I then thought that I may have switched places with my younger self, indeed I had. This was the law of exchange in action. While me age 30 was in the body of me age 16, age 16 me was displaced in my age 30 body. Even after the ritual and we were back where we needed to be, it was incomplete pieces of my 30 year old self were stuck back in 1986 and vice-versa, eventually all would straighten itself out, but not in time. This is where I seriously fraked up magickaly. Work became confusing due to having to retrieve memories. I did not take things a seriously as an adult would have. I am still not sure if this was the cause of me loosing the best job I ever had, nonetheless I did loose it.
After loosing my tech job that paid 35K a year, and the fact that I was only a month away from full vestiture of my 401K really torqued me off. The young kid that was still in me disappeared, and the angry dark wolf came back to the surface. I would stay in my room and not do a damned thing except to call the state and let them know I was still looking for a job so I could collect unemployment. 6 months later I would be contacted by a Wiccan coven.
Sept 2001. I would hook up with the Moon Children of the Earth coven, led by Crystal Moon a 3rd degree wiccan High Priestess who was only a bit younger than me. The first meeting was general an Esbat and get together and everything seemed cool. I really liked this group and I felt at home in this, my first coven. Me and Crystal have the same ideas on teaching, book knowledge types. She knew I was without job and helped me to find one. Then next week happened...
9-11-01
A date that will live in infamy as much as 12-7-41 did before. Those towers falling only enraged me more than seeing the plane crash into them. I could not hold back the shift, the rage was too intense. I had to run to the backyard and howl. I knew this was it, we were going to be at war, I just knew it. This may be Raganarok or whatever you want to call it. The following weekend we went back to the coven-stead to talk about the 9-11 attacks. When it came my turn to share, I freaked out everyone. Last week where there was a happy puppy about to learn new stuff in a group, there now sat a dark and fearsome beast. I was in full shift, and far from happy. "To you sons of camel whores, we will hunt you, we will find you, and we will destroy you, that can be certain." My face was contorted, my eyes squinted and glowing with burning rage. The HPs and her maiden could see my astral form, my true form. Before them sat a wolf, ready to attack and unleash his fury upon all who betrayed him and wronged so many innocents. It was then an there when I knew that the wolf was not my totem, but I WAS the wolf!
After that fateful day I lost all hope for mankind and any hope for the future. I became a wanderer on a dark path. Although I was part of a coven, it didn't really matter. All I had to do to go through the degree system was take a test for 1st degree which I passed and go to an elevation ritual. A year and a day after that I would take my 2nd degree test, pass it and be elevated by the then Maiden of the coven. You see Crystal and her husband came apart and the coven fell into the maiden's hands. I was to become the High Priest and assist in the coven. At this time I was in and out of jobs so I had plenty of time to deal with the coven. I was foolish to try to take on responsibility when I was still trying to get over a major issue, unemployment, but what was I going to do, brood in front of my computer all day? Besides I had taken upon myself to become as powerful as I possibly could be, go through the ranks in the coven and learn true magick power so that I could correct the mistakes of the past and get back what was rightfully mine. Spring, the HPs of the new coven stepped down and before I knew it I was the one in charge. My way of running the coven was at first liaises-faire, do what thou wilt and all that. That attitude would have serious repercussions in the fact that no one would respect me. We were a wild and free coven but rituals were structured. It was all well and good until people wanted more. There were then debates and discussions, but never a full blown witch war. In the end they went with either a vote, or what I decided.
In 2004, I finally landed a permanent gig at Wal-Mart. And at that time work became my biggest priority. I simply could not direct a coven and work and go to school(even if it was online) at the same time. I tried to delegate authority, but then that led to politics. Who's first at being a first as it were. It held together until the day we lost the house that was our coven-stead. We were renting and the landlady sold it. So with no place to go, the coven debated on where to do anything. "I'm closer", "I'm more experienced" yaddah yaddah. It was the beginning of the end.
We moved from Sanford to Eustis FL and met up with a Wiccan 2nd degree who had been trained out west in a Gardenarian coven. I was intrigued by how Wicca was done the "Old School" way and I pretty much found out that my coven was little more than a pack of fluffy bunnies led by a ceremonial magickian. I brought her in and decided she should at least be 1st degree. Well this did not go over well with the rest of the group and a great schism was created. There were attacks on both ends and before I knew it I had a full fledged witch was on my hands. I ended it my way, which effectively meant telling everyone to screw themselves and going home. The coven was over. I gave all the coven stuff to whoever wanted it and washed my hands of the situation. No I was not liked by many people after that fact. But I did not care. I was now free to pursue the real magick I so desperately looked for. I knew that Wicca as it was with this group was not what I wanted. I also discovered what it was I truly am, a quick search on yahoo found the word "Therianthopy". I also learned that the key to the great code of the universe had been under my nose all along in the art of Alchemy. I then decided to pursue the Great Work and declare myself an Alchemist and Hermeticist.
The old coven would eventually pick up the pieces and reform anew like the great Pheonix. "Igne Natura Renovatur Integra", Through Fire is Nature Remade Whole.
This story is still not complete, the last chapter details how I actually discovered the Philosopher's Stone and set things back the way they should be, and the trials and tribulations therein.
Then again, an alchemist's story is never complete...
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